my life...as you know it...in blogs

DISAPPOINTMENT IS:

2009-09-23T08:19:00.000-07:00

when you put you frozen dinner in the microwave and you think you hit start but then the phone rings and someone distracts you for 15 minutes asking why their daughter got arrested and then you go back to the microwave expecting warm noodley goodness and instead you have FROZEN SLUDGE. that is disappointment and that is all...

Assassination at the coke machine...

2009-09-22T06:05:00.000-07:00

One of my duties for the next two days is running the control board that opens the electronic doors to let people in and out of the detention center and jail. Coming from the lobby to the detention center you have to pass through one door, then a sallyport that has a lockbox for weapons, then another door.

All officers are to leave their guns in the lockbox because no guns are allowed in the jail for obvious reasons.

So here's the interesting part: EVERY SINGLE TIME an officer leaves the detention center he feels the need to strap on his gun. I see it happen. Sometimes he's back in like 45 seconds (asking for me to open the freakin door again) so I can only assume he's going to the coke machine.

I know that being a law enforcement officer is exciting. It's a job that should come with respect and absolute responsibility. I realize that carrying a firearm is part of that responsibility but HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU PLAN TO SHOOT AT THE COKE MACHINE?! Seriously? REally? Do you expect there to be a revolt in the lobby? A gunfight so fierce that started over the last diet coke? Really?!

WHEN IT WENT FROM BAD TO WORSE...

2009-09-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

So Monday night we stayed with my mother in law which is never the most comfortable thing because while there I sleep on a love seat. Now I know what you're thinking "um isn't a love seat those little tiny couches that are like 2 feet long?" And yes, you would be correct on that but it's not really horrible because generally I curl up in a ball to sleep anyway. So normally I sleep on the love seat and Cooper sleeps in a portable crib beside me. Craig sleeps on the big couch because he's a whiner and always goes to bed first.

Well on Monday the portable crib wasn't there because someone needed it for her second SURPRISE illegitimate grandchild. (That's another story for another time).

So Joann's like "why don't you sleep on the couch with Cooper?" Ummmm yeah I don't know because maybe my butt is as friggin wide as the f-ing love seat to begin with so I fear there would be NO ROOM LEFT FOR COOPER. And by the way thanks for the heads up that the crib was no longer at your house BEFORE I left my house (which has both a bed AND a crib).

So me and Coop ended up on the floor because OH YEAH Craig had been asleep on the big couch, for I don't know, HOURS. Joann was kind enough to make us a "pallet" so I mean, what else could I ask for? So we lay down and it's all I don't know, 1000 degrees in her house so I turn two (2!) fans on in the hope that we don't spontaneously combust during the night. It was so hot at one point all I could think about was taking my pants off. And nothing says parenting at it's best than laying pantless on a pallet with your baby.

Maybe it was because we weren't at home, maybe it was because we weren't surrounded by cats and MAYBE it was because we were laying on a f-ing hard wood floor but whatever the case Cooper would not go to sleep. He was completely restless. He would thrash and kick and roll and this was completely unfortunate because every time he rolled he rolled into the wooden coffee table and every time he thrashed he managed to hit his head on the hard wood floor and every time he kicked he managed to freakin kick me.

I've always heard of people complaining about their kid moving around so much while sleeping and how they can't stand that and I've always been like I love it when Cooper moves, just one more indication that he's breathing and okay, well now I get it, NOW I FRIGGIN GET IT. It is not fun to be kicked in the head while trying to sleep.

So we made it through the night and I have never been so glad to get up early and go to the dentist because that just means that someone is probing in my mouth and causing me great pain and that indicates that the night is over and anything is better than laying pantless on hard wood while being kicked in the head.

COOPER, 13 MONTHS OLD!

2009-06-23T10:34:00.000-07:00

one year, one month, thats how old you are! how amazing is that?! you are over a year old! we have known you for over a year! you have gotten to experience every single month, every single season and every single holiday, ONCE! you are awesome and i thank God for you, little one. we are blessed through you.

you have an attitude now. a very distinct attitude. and also you throw temper tantrums...horrid i know, but still i love it! because it's so...you!

you have a playful spirit and im pretty sure you're going to grow up to be a tease...last night you kept running toward your daddy and you'd hold your little arms up for him to get you. once he picked you up, you'd squirm to get down. then you'd do it all over again. after about the third time when you came running up to craig he said, "i bet he's going to want me to pick him up". well you got to him, you started to hold your arms up and then you said "NO!" and turned around and went to other way. you proceeded to do this until we were cracking up laughing hysterically!

we have so much fun, the six of us (you, me, your daddy, jay-jay, mercy and dudley). sometimes we all curl up together and watch a movie...these are my favorite nights.

you eat real food now. (hamburgers and spaghetti are among your favorites, i knew you were my kid)!

you drink from a straw now!

you say "please" which comes out "pes" when you really, really want something. (and i mean, seriously, who could say no to that)?!

you are full of energy, excited about everything and you have a zest for life. i love you my darling! my sweet, precious baby boy, everyday i count the hours until i get to be with you again, to hold you, to play with you and to just enjoy being your mama.

love you,
your mommy

HAPPY FIRST B-DAY COOPER!!!

2009-05-28T11:00:00.000-07:00

So i have completely, utterly and without a doubt dropped the ball on blogging...BUT i must pick it back up because you, my baby, are growing, GROWING, GROWING too fast and if i dont try and write it down now i'll never ever remember it all!

You are no longer an infant. You have passed that stage in your life. You can now be considered a toddler!!! Im loving it, every minute of it! You are seriously more fun now than ever!

You walk. Seriously, like all by yourself. Sometimes it's just 2 or 3 steps but sometimes you really get going and you make it half way across the room, then you collapse and resort to hysterical laughter! It's the best!

You talk. And sing. Mostly it's in your own language but that's okay because it's beautiful anyway!

You have 5 baby teeth! wow! You are definitely making up for lost time on the teeth thing!

We had your 1st bday party and it was awesome! You wore your tux and we decorated your high chair with balloons and you had a crown and your very own cake and AUAHGHGHGHG too much fun! You had a TABLE FULL of presents! So many that we are getting them out one at a time so you aren't overwhelmed.

But you know what my very favorite part of the day was? After everyone had left we took your new things home, unloaded them and then went back to the fellowship hall to clean up. So it was just me, your daddy and you all alone at the fellowship hall. We vacuumed and you chased the vacuum cleaner! You loved the wide open space to walk, crawl, run and flail about. You were totally content to stay there and play with us and that vacuum cleaner all night! We had a ball, just the three of us! Then we went home and sat on the couch and played with your 3 kitty sisters, life just doesn't get much better than that!

This year has without a doubt been the most exhilarating, most trying, most learning and finally the absolute best year of our lives. God changed our hearts when He gave us you. I never ever knew I could love another person as much as I love you. I never thought it was possible to want to give another human being so much of yourself that it hurts. You complete us, you make us a family and we love you more than you'll ever begin to know...thank you for the best year ever and I can't wait to start the next chapter!

Love you my little Cooper Douper!

<><><><
your mommy

COOPER month 10...AND month 11...

2009-04-21T06:37:00.000-07:00

Cooper-
So pretty much I have sucked lately at this blogging thing. I blame you and all of your cuteness and the fact that I want to spend every waking moment with you, not on the computer! But years from now when you're reading about your young life and you question why I combined month 10 and month 11 basically I'll have no good answer...

It's sad too because I don't even remember what all you were doing last month because this month you've totally mastered all these new skills and you've overwhelmed us with your abilities!

Now you can drink from a sippy cup. At first I thought you didn't understand how it worked. I tried it with juice...then water...then a different kind of juice and you just didn't act like you could get any so I gave up...then in good mommy fashion I tried it with coke...you guzzled it...then I tried tea and you gulped the whole thing down so BASICALLY you fooled your mommy...you knew exactly HOW to use the cup you were just waiting for something that you actually liked in it...

You can stand alone now! You still haven't taken any steps (at least none that I know about, who knows, maybe you walk around at ms. karen's and your gran's) but in my presense you only stand there all balancing, all adorable and melt my heart!

You now say "hey" and throw your little hand up in greeting but because you're a little country boy it comes out sounding like "hiiaaaayyyy" your daddy called you his little nasal redneck. IT IS HILARIOUS!

You love to torment the cats by laying on the couch and then grabbing them as they walk by. You never tire of this game...thats more than I can say for the cats...

Your most used form of mobility is crawling...FAST. Grandma made the comment that you could crawl faster than she could walk!

You now open cabinets and shut them. Open and shut. Open and shut. Another game you love.

Your grandpa frosty and your daddy are still your favorite people on the whole planet...

Next month is your very first birthday and I am super excited about planning your party! I can't wait. But I'm also a little sad because you're growing soooo fast! This time last year you were still in your mommy's tummy! I can only say that for a few more days and then you'll officially be a big boy, no more infant! But good Lord how I love you, my little boy. I could never explain it...I could never portray it...I just have to hope and pray that I show you every single day how I couldn't live without you. You complete us...

Happy almost birthday my big boy Cooper!
love,
your mommy

the one where i die a little on the inside

2009-03-18T05:40:00.000-07:00

Yeah so ummm....yeah...

Cooper last night you pretty much broke your mommy's heart and then took the pieces and then you just stomped on them with your tiny baby feet.

We went to karate with your daddy and ms. karen was there and so you reached for her. Okay no big deal, so you wanted to tell her hey. I didn't panick. I felt a twinge of jealousy but it passed.

So then when she was ready to leave she handed you back to me AND YOU CRIED. While she was placing you (MY BABY) into my arms (me, THE ONE WHO CARRIED YOU FOR ALL OF NINE MONTHS), you cried and you reached back for her and THEN, RIGHT THERE, you took my will to live and crushed it and pretty much kicked my soul.

I mean when you're reading this years down the road don't feel bad or anything...don't feel bad that I did my best to give you all the good things in life...yummy moo, nice toys and all the cats you could ever hope for...and what you did to thank me was crush me a little on the inside...

I love you anyway my little sweet potato!

love,
your (one and only) mommy

INTERVIEW WITH GOD

2009-03-13T06:09:00.000-07:00

okay you must, must MUST watch this...you will not be dissapointed...
click on the link, then choose "watch presentation"...ENJOY!

http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/

A Sliver of Chance for Life on Mars REALLY?! SERIOUSLY?!

2009-02-26T11:33:00.000-08:00

"A Sliver of Chance for Life on Mars" This was the title to one of the featured news stories on yahoo today. The article goes on to say that because at night a PHENOMENON happens when some of the water vapor in the atmosphere evaporates and creates dew...DEW...and apparently this means at one time this "dew" could have supported life in a martian climate.

You know what? I couldn't give a TINY RAT'S DO-DO MAKER (thank you elliot) if there is life on mars, if there WAS life on mars of even if there is going to be life on mars eventually. What pisses me off is that there is PLENTY OF LIFE ON EARTH AND THEY'RE STARVING!

Nasa has spent almost a year on this mars/dew theory.

They have a special instrument they've been using: (see quote from article):
[The TECP "was like the Swiss army knife of instruments," says Aaron Zent of NASA Ames Research Center. It was equipped with a four-pronged fork that could be stuck into the ground to measure soil moisture and temperature. It also had a sensor for relative humidity.]

Hell, couldn't they have just stuck their hand in the soil to see if it was wet or not?

I won't harp on my opinions of the wasted money going to the space program but I will leave you with this note:

NEXT TIME INSTEAD OF SPENDING A YEAR, CREATING SPECIAL INSTRUMENTS AND WASTING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO COME WITH A CONCLUSION AS GOOD AS "A SLIVER OF CHANCE FOR LIFE ON MARS" HOW ABOUT WE TAKE THAT MONEY, THAT KNOWLEDGE AND THAT WORK FORCE AND USE IT TOWARD:

~FEEDING THE HUNGRY CHILDREN? WHAT IF WE WENT TO BED AT NIGHT AND KNEW EVERYONE WAS AS FULL AS WE WERE?

~HOW ABOUT WE REBUILD HOMES AND HABITATS. WHAT IF "THE HOMELESS" BECAME THE NEWEST ENDANGERED SPECIES BECAUSE THEY FOUND HOMES?

~WHAT IF WE USED MIGHTY RESOURCES AND CREATED JOBS FOR THE UNEMPLOYED. WHAT IF WE HAD TO COME UP WITH NEW JOBS FOR THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE WORKERS?

~WHAT IF WE CONCENTRATED ON WORKING TOWARD A SOLUTION TO FERTILITY AND ABORTION...WHAT IF WE DISCOVERED A WAY TO TAKE AN ALREADY IMPLANTED EMBRYO OUT OF A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T WANT IT AND PUT IT INTO A WOMAN DESPERATE FOR A CHILD? HOW MANY WOMEN WOULD BE WILLING TO DO THIS INSTEAD OF DESTROYING HUMAN LIFE? HOW MANY LIVES WOULD IT SAVE?

I don't know if there was ever life on mars. I know there's life on earth. Precious life that is too easily discarded, so...."sliver of chance"...how about a new title "LIFE ON EARTH? YOU BETCHA!"

If i choke to death while typing this...

2009-02-18T07:56:00.000-08:00

marie is not here today. she had a conference to go to. her absence was most noticed when i made my ham sandwich and realized that i didnt have a drink to go with it. (because every single day marie brings me a drink from dipper's).

so...against my better judgement (because i am so very cheap), i scrounge the change together to go get a coke out of the machine. i have what i believe to be barely enough. on the way to the coke machine i pass the snack machine. i make the mistake of glancing it's way. FRICK ON A STICK, THEY HAVE SOUR CREAM AND ONION CHIPS! they never have SOUR CREAM AND ONION! i nervously look at the change in my hand. there is a decision to be made and...yep thats right, i am just that fat, i went with the chips!

now you're probably saying, "wait, but wern't you concerned with needing a drink when it was just the sandwich? now you're planning on chips too and you still dont have a beverage? is that smart?" but you don't understand, they're SOUR CREAM AND ONION! so i take the plunge and put my money in and push B4....it whirls and whirls and...my SOUR CREAM AND ONION gets stuck on the mechanism...i mentally stomp my foot and consider trying to rock the machine until i remember all the horror stories of people being squashed under machines they were trying to rock for things less than SOUR CREAM AND ONION even...

i silently and defeatedly walk back to my office. i have no more change. i have no drink and i have no SOUR CREAM AND ONION. then i have a PLAN! i cant get into marie's office because it's locked but if i could find a master key...she always has change laying around and she always tells me i can help myself if i need some for the machine...so...i go on a hunt for a master key. most people at this point would have just given up but I AM JUST THAT FAT.

so i finally find an important person with a key and i break in. i steal enough change (with a mental I.O.U.), to not only ransom my SOUR CREAM AND ONION but to also get an icy cold beverage. i lock the door, return the key and head back out. i go to the coke machine. i have $1.10 in change. the chips are $0.50 and the cokes are $0.60 cents (or so i thought).

i stare at the coke machine. SIXTY FIVE EFFING CENTS. if i spend 65 cents i'll not have enough for the chips...BEAVER DAMMMMMMMMM IT!!!!!!!!! so i did the only logical thing to do, i forgot the coke, and bought the chips and since i already had a bag hanging in the balance i got two. 2 BAGS OF SOUR CREAM AND ONION!

i was giddy happy until i remembered that it meant that i had a ham sandwich and 2 bags of chips and still no drink...not a very good combination for NOT choking...

standing...

2009-02-17T09:05:00.000-08:00

So now you can stand up! You STAND on your VERY OWN TWO LEGS. Standing Up.

On valentine's day you crawled (really crawled) for the first time. Then we took you home and I put you in a rubbermaid container (sounds cruel but you love it), and OBVIOUSLY I don't put the lid on it.

Anyway so I put you in this box and give you some toys and go about making dinner. I glance over and FRICKY FRICK, YOU'RE STANDING UP! I was like, "OH MY GOSH, COOPER YOU'RE STANDING UP." You gave me a look like, "yeah..." So I figure it's this freak thing (because who would guess that the same day that you crawled would also be the day you started all freakin walking around?) So anyway I set you back down and you're all like, "OH NO, YOU DIDN'T" So I turn around to look at supper again and as fast as I can turn around you're standing again! You pudgy little hands are curled around the top of the container and your chubby legs are ridgidly standing in triumph and you're peering over the side of the box, looking at the world below.

This happens like I don't know, FOURTEEN MILLION times and even though I am truly excited and gleeful I have a realization: you are no longer containable...there is no where that I can put you and then expect you to be when I come back.

Your very own journey has now began...

You Know You Have a Problem When...

2009-02-05T08:14:00.000-08:00

I am admittedly cheap. Everyone who knows me knows this. I love a good bargain and my heart leaps at the word "CLEARANCE".

I was looking through the petco sales paper just now and on the back page I saw parakeets advertised for ONLY $12.00! And my first thought was "crap, that's cheap, I may need to get some..."

It was then that I realized that I was talking about PARAKEETS. LIVE BIRDS. Do I want birds? No. Do I have any desire to house them? Absolutely not. But I was still so shaken by their "rock bottom price" that I, for a fleeting second, I considered stocking up...

It was then that I had a realization, I May Just Have a Problem...

coop and aunt bec

2009-02-04T14:30:00.000-08:00

another reason why i'm glad i have cats

2009-01-29T09:53:00.001-08:00

(The characters named in this story are in fact real, not fictional but their names have been changed to protect privacy and pride...)

Among reasons like curling up on my feet while i sleep and sweetly nuzzling my neck the NUMBER ONE, ABSOLUTE NUMERO UNO REASON that im glad I have cats is the fact that they do NOT eat their own or anyone else's poo...

I wasn't sure what to blog about today but then I read "gretta's" blog about how her adorable tiny puppy "bess" has taken to eating her own poop...

Now I'll admit I'm not a dog person...well that's not entirely true, I love all things furry and loveable BUT I am much, much more of a CAT PERSON...I've even been referred to as the Crazy Cat Lady...but anyway I mean seriously WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL EATS THEIR OWN POO? Certainly not cats...I think if it was up to cats they wouldn't even poo...they're JUST THAT CLEAN. They would rather hold it in and be miserable than do something as disgusting as actually expelling it from their tiny bodies...and then there's dogs...dogs who not only enjoy pooing and peeing all over the blasted place, right there in the open in front of God and everyone but then sometimes they roll around in it and I've just learned that sometimes they EAT IT.

IT'S. A. PILE. OF. POO.

People, wake up and realize that cats rule.

PACI'S, THUMBS AND DOOBIES

2009-01-26T09:12:00.000-08:00

Okay so most parents try to discourage their babies from dependencies like thumb sucking and pacifiers and later on in life drug usage. Now I'm not saying that I would approve of him lighting up a doobie but I have to say that I am thrilled to see that maybe Cooper might be a thumb sucker. I mean as I watched him lay in his bed, his thumb in his mouth, his face a look of peaceful content I had thoughts of how very much I LOVE THIS KID and MY GOSH, HE IS THE CUTEST BABY EVER and OTHER SHOUTED THOUGHTS of this nature...

Who doesn't think a baby with a thumb is adorable? Possibly the most adorable sight ever...put a fluffy kitten in his lap and there would be no doubt.

Thumb sucking is not only marvelously cute but also very practical. I mean you always have your thumb. Even if there is no "moo" there is a thumb. Even if the paci has dropped in the floor there is thumb. ALL THROUGH YOUR LIFE THERE IS THUMB. And I can't chastise thumb suckers because I'm a nail bitter. And I don't apologize for that. It provides great comfort. When I'm upset I bite. When I'm nervous I bite. Also when I'm excited, bored and feeling pretty much in other emotion I bite. I don't smoke, I don't drink and of all the vices to have nail biting (or thumb sucking), is pretty mild.

So this morning Cooper was a little cranky having to be woken up and dragged out of bed and put into a cold carseat. I handed him a paci (something he hasn't had in months), not from lack of trying, he just doesn't seem all that interested. So this morning I give him the paci and he sucks for a minute, then takes it out of his mouth and examines it, chews on the side a little then proceeds to put it back in his mouth with his thumb stuck in the hole of the paci, essentially sucking his paci AND his thumb simultaneously...and then, at that very moment, my heart exploded into a million happy pieces from the sheer volume of ADORABLENESS...

COOPER-month 8!

2009-01-22T12:12:00.000-08:00

Eight months old! Eight! It's hard to believe that in just four short months we'll start calculating your age in years...unreal...People told me it would fly by and they were right, it has. But at the same time I have enjoyed every single minute of it. Even the 3:00 am feedings!

You are still working on teeth...ugh baby teeth. I will be glad when this part of our life is over. I feel like baby teeth hate us both.

You are *almost* crawling! You do the whole getting up on your hands and knees thing but then you don't really go anywhere but BABY you are close! Everyone says I'll regret encouraging you so hard because once you become mobile there will be no stopping you!

Last week we lost one of the most important people in our lives, our nanny. I have contemplated and wrestled about what I could possibly write to you, what I could possibly try to pass on to you to tell you just how very much she loved you. I have decided that there are just simply no words. There is no way I can ever tell you, my only hope is that she instilled enough of it in me that I'll be able to pass that love on to you all the days of my life.

She was 69 years old which to you has to be ancient. Even by the time you can read this you'll think that she was the probably the oldest person to ever live but I promise you, by the time you're mommy's age you'll realize that 69 is just barely scrapping the surface of old age or the supposed golden years. For a while I struggled with this and I thought about all the people that had made it way past 69, some even into their 80's and 90's and it seemed so unfair. Like we had been robbed of precious time that was owed to us. More time for her to get to see you crawl...and walk...and talk...and grow up to be a magnificent little boy and young man. But my consolation is this: it was truly her time. She was asleep. She wasn't sick. It wasn't expected. It was sudden and it was fast and of all the ways to go it was a blessing. While she was sleeping God just whispered in her ear, "Come on home..." She didn't suffer and I can't even argue that her time was cut short because I can promise you, God always knows what he's doing.

Right after you were born your gran told me something that to this day still makes me cry. She said that right before you were born she could just picture Jesus leading you through the streets of Heaven letting you say goodbye to all the loved ones you already had up there. We talked about how you saw your papa mincey and your grampy jones and your grandpa gilleland and how they probably told you to be a good boy and that they'd "see ya after while". That image still gives me chills and no doubt, you, little one, have been in the presence of the God.

At the funeral home I thought of something else. Nanny is no longer here to hold you but she is Heaven, holding your little brother or sister. And I'm not sure when they're coming here to earth, but it's weird, it's like I know they ARE coming...one day.

Right now we're enjoying you and all of your quirks and all of your personality and all of your bubblyness. You are the happiest baby ever.

You now say "dadada" and FINALLY "mama" and "hey" and "hi" and most recently "na-na" which is close to "ma-ma" but if you listen real close you can tell the difference. And I have to believe that it's you own little way of giving a shout out to our beloved nanny.

In other news Gretchen and Joshy got engaged and are planning a wedding at the beach which will probably be your very first beach trip so that will be exciting! Getting to feel sand for the first time and wade into the ocean and pick up sea shells, I CAN HARDLY WAIT! (Which is weird because normally I hate the beach but getting to do anything with you for the very first time is SPECTACULAR and I love nothing more than to watch you explore and learn and experience).

Tomorrow is your grandpa frosty's birthday so we'll gather at grandma mincey's for food and no doubt she will have not forgotten about you and she'll most likely have sweet potatoes or peas or some other mushy food for you! You'll get all the lovin you can stand on friday night and then your mema joann is supposed to come up on saturday SO...you are going to have one awesome weekend surrounded by people that you love.

It will be fun and exciting and busy but you know what? On Sunday night when everything is over and everyone has gone home me, your daddy, your kitties and you are going to curl up on the couch and watch tv...or not...and just be together...just enjoy each other...even if the kitties are wild or your fussy or your daddy is cold or im hot, it's not going to matter because we'll be together in our own comfy home, with our own little family and we'll just be...

I love you more than I ever thought possible,
mommy

sWeEpS dAy 7

2009-01-07T10:21:00.000-08:00

For todays contest i thought i would try to win something cute and trendy so i went to the seventeen magazine website. Unfortunetely what they were offering was a pair of "BLACK POCKET SEQUINNED RAMPAGE DENIM" jeans (most likely size 1/2) and since im not that "young" or "fresh" i declined to enter for the jeans and instead found something more useful. i went to http://www.mylicon.com/vcrc/offers/nmcampaign.jhtml?id=vcrc/offers/myl_pamper.inc&oid=5479&bid=29&formType=C

and signed up for a baby contest from mylicon in which im hoping to win a BABIES-R-US gift card. woo hoo!

BRIE for FREE for ANGELA!

2009-01-06T19:34:00.000-08:00

in honor of angela's b-day (today)! i used my "one contest a day plan" and entered her in a drawing for FREE BRIE! A BASKET OF CHEESE! YAY! im so excited because if she wins i wont have to get her a real present...

http://iledefrancecheese.com/sweepstakes_home.html

and even if she doesnt win she's still bound to get lots of CHEESE FLAVORED SPAM...(the email kind...)

THE ONE almost titled "THE ONE where shannon says SCREW IT ALL"

2009-01-06T14:36:00.000-08:00

When people ask me if it's tough being the black sheep in a SEA OF PURE WHITE i just want to say..."no...it's comforting actually"

CAN I JUST SAY IM GLAD COOPER IS A BOY...

2009-01-06T12:35:00.000-08:00

a perfect example of why girls suck and why we let DRAMA LLAMA rule our lives...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vxzIamlzoA

watch until the end...i especially like it when "natalie" becomes inconsolable....hehehe

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDMA! (day 5...sweeps)

2009-01-06T05:16:00.000-08:00

grandma,
sorry we're not all together celebrating your b-day on a glorious cruise...

maybe if i win one of the contests....one day...(i'm beginning to think they're all rigged...)

http://www.freshstartsweepstakes.com/Home.1.lasso

kroger baby! day 4

2009-01-05T05:20:00.000-08:00

yes i know i'm one day behind but i'll catch up today...at some point...

TODAY'S ENTRY: $25.00 KROGER GIFT CARD-WOO HOO!

compliments of one of my VERY FAVORITE websites:

http://www.5dollardinners.com

DAY 3-HILTON HEAD BABY!

2009-01-03T13:35:00.000-08:00

for today's contest i went to http://www.womansday.com and entered to win a vaca to hilton head-WOO HOO! I HEART HH!!!! so im keeping my fingers crossed for this one!

THE ONE in which you find us all in snotty heap...dead.

2009-01-02T12:10:00.000-08:00

So Cooper has RSV...sucks majorly. He also has an ear infection in BOTH count em BOTH ears! (According to my grandma, this is all my fault because I let him run around naked, ie: fully clothed minus the socks...) And I want to be all like, "grandma I don't think I'm the problem, the infection is in his ears NOT HIS FEET." If he had contracted gan-green then SURE I might take the fall for that one...but this, I'm not going down for.

Anyway so he's pretty miserable but THANK THE GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN much, much better than at the first of the week. He gets a breathing treatment three times a day and an antibiotic twice a day and we suction his nose as often as we feel like taking our lives in our own hands because seriously have you ever tried to stick something up the nose of a very strong octopus? Have you?

So I am thrilled and thankful that he is on the road to recovery and I have to give a shout out to Craig (my house husband as of this week), who has taken care of Cooper the majority of the time. Him and my mom took him to the doctor. Craig picked up the meds. Craig has given him all the breathing treatments and the antibiotic too for that matter. And he's also been the chief bottle maker (and dish washer), HOW LUCKY AM I?!

The reason Craig has taken so much responsibility is that my job has required me to be here this week. We have a new sheriff and administration taking over and the chaos is imminent and frowned upon if missed by any employee. Yay me, barrel full of fun...

So about that snot. I'm pretty sure I'm getting sick. I guess I have the adult version (aka: much milder) of RSV. I'm sniffing, coughing, wheezing, all cold symptoms apply. Granted I would much rather be sick than Cooper and if I could take this illness from him I would, however nature had a different approach in mind. Nature feels that if one in your herd gets sick that the whole herd is condemned and then it does it's best to weed out the weak ones from the pack. Currently nature is trying to wipe the Sexton's off the map...

As of now Craig is not sick....I'm holding my breath but...Craig has the immune system of a half dead donkey...seriously, he usually catches whatever is going around. I attribute him not getting sick thus far as nothing but the Sovernity of God since I really couldn't miss work and Cooper really needed one sober parent (not doped up on Robitussin), to take care of him. But it's probably coming. Change is coming and I fear that, that change for Craig is his health. I mean seriously can you live with two sicklings and not catch it yourself? I think not. Especially when one of them does things like COUGH IN YOUR MOUTH. (I was informed by Becca that today while visiting Cooper she leaned down and opened her mouth and he went AUGHHCK right in her face. So yeah, she's going to get it too...

So Monday (if we're not dead by then), Craig is supposed to write down when he wants to use all of his vacation/sick days...Yeah he's expected to KNOW when he's going to be sick for twelve months...is this realistic? Not in the least. Vacation I could understand (it would still be annoying to try and figure out when you're going to need that work reprieve most so you don't go postal, so far in advance but I still get it for vacation). But when your days double as vacation/sick it's pretty much impossible to utilize any of them as sick days...ughghgh. Just one more thing to look forward to, you can count on at least a couple of days when you are sick and have to take an unpaid day...Did I mention "ughghghghgh"...

So to recap we're all either sick or getting sick and we're destined to die in a snotty heap while NOT GETTING PAID for it!

Day 2: cash from G.E.

2009-01-02T06:46:00.001-08:00

my contest entry of the day;

http://www.gelighting.com/na/home_lighting/coupons_offers/lighting_style/entry_form.htm

be back later for a daily post...

a shout out to my most newely ENGAGED cuz!

2009-01-01T19:25:00.000-08:00

CONGRATS TO GRETCHEN AND JOSH WHO ARE NOW OFFICIALLY ENGAGED (even though my mom and craig claim to think they've been engaged for months)!

for the whole story click it---> http://gretchenandjosh.blogspot.com/

THE FIRST CONTEST OF THE YEAR!!! (hope i win)!

2009-01-01T15:59:00.000-08:00

Okay remember when I said I thought it would be interesting to enter a different contest everyday and see if I win anything...so, we'll see...wish me luck!

(to see what contest I entered and read about a pretty amazing couponer follow the link...)
http://jane4girls800dollarannualbudget.blogspot.com/

The One Where Noone Gets Any Sleep...

2008-12-31T06:48:00.000-08:00

Last night was rough. To put it mildly, it SUCKED.

Cooper is sick. Sniffly, congested, can't breath, SICK. But last night we added another element to the mix. Uncontrollable crying and withering around. I knew he was hurting but I was having a hard time figuring out where and what (if anything) I could do about it. We tried tylenol. We tried a bottle. We tried a flashlight...(which sounds weird but Craig has this flashlight and is just Cooper size and when it's dark sometimes you can hand it to Coop and he flails it around and watches the light and chews on the end...). Anyway we tried all that we knew to try. Craig walked around with him. I cradled him. NOTHING. WAS. WORKING.

He would take his bottle for like 30 seconds and then stop and start to cry again. I thought maybe he was having trouble with the milk (because of all the freakin congestion) so we tried pedialyte. He would still only eat for like half a minute.

I had him propped in my lap on a pillow and all of a sudden IT ALL CAME UP. Like possibly everything he had ever eaten in his whole life, possibly everything anyone had ever eaten in their whole life...since the beginning of time...all PROJECTILE VOMIT style. We were soaked and covered and so was the bed.

I changed and changed the Coop, who had miraculously stopped screaming and was down to a whimper. Poor little baby, I knew he must be miserable. Anyway so we relocated to the couch and I tried just holding him against me which was actually working so me and him propped against the couch to try and get some much needed sleep. (By this time it was 3:00 am).

Craig comes and flops on the other couch, apple in hand...I'm like, "what are you doing, are you not going back to bed?" He was like "no, pretty much I have to get up in three hours I'll just stay up!" (See when I get delirious I get funny when Craig gets delirious he gets cranky and unreasonable).

So me and Coop are sitting there trying to sleep while Craig sits 3 feet away and munches on an apple...have you ever heard anyone eat an apple at 3:00 in the morning? Pretty much the most annoying sound ever...it's dead silence then CRUUUUNNNNCH...chew chew chew...CRUUUUNNNNCH...chew chew chew.

I cannot describe to you the absolute torture this caused my ears. It was worse than nails on a blackboard, it was worse than nails on jeans (bec!) and I'm pretty sure it was worse than if fifteen cows had been in my house, all mooing, all dying.

Finally the apple was gone. Then *then* he decided to go back into the bedroom...finally I think we'll get some rest. Now I'm trying not to move at all because I don't want to risk waking him up and starting this whole process over again.

Mercy cat jumps up on the coffee table and swipes the bag of cat treats that are lying there. CRAP! Now if a normal cat encountered a bag of treats it wouldn't be that bad. They might bat it around a little, play with it for a few seconds but then they would loose interest because, well they're a cat and a cat has the attention span of like, 2.8 seconds. But not Mercy cat, she is like a freakin ninja...with tools. She grabs the bag with her teeth and carries it to the floor. All the while I'm whispering "mercy...mercy...no...NO..." She ignores me and proceeds to use her teeth and front paws to rip into the bag...an effective, albeit SLOW, TORTUROUS way to open them. So I keep hearing *crinkle* rip rip rip *crinkle* rip rip rip until I almost entitled this post "the one where the cat gets the boot".

Then the crying starts again. AUGHGHTHTHGHGH. I try a nifty little hold called the collick carry that my brilliant mom showed me. This calmed him and as long as I had pressure on his tummy he was fine. The minute I layed him down he screamed but if I was holding him pressing on his tummy he seemed okay. So this is what we did. We pressed and we whimpered and we slept.

Poor little guy, I hope and pray that he feels better today. (Craig and my mom have him at the doctor right now).

And as for Craig and Mercy, no more cat treats and SO HELP ME IF I EVER BUY ANOTHER APPLE AGAIN.

DO YOU JUST WANT ME TO BEND OVER OR WHAT?!

2008-12-30T09:56:00.000-08:00

Last night I was hit with a particularly hard case of delirium...is that a word? Anyway I was absolutely DELIRIOUS.

Craig, Cooper, Cooper's curious george doll and me were laying on the couch and Craig was trying to get comfortable so he was moving around and I thought he needed a pillow for his head so I'm like "do you want me to stuff curious george in you?" And he was like, "ummmm yeahhhhh what do you want me to do, bend over?!" And I'm like "WHAT?!" He's like, "you asked if I wanted you to stuff curious george IN me." (insert hilarious laughter here). "NOooooooo" I say, "I meant do you want me to stuff curious george in your head.....wait...I mean UNDER your head...as a pillow..." But Craig thought we just needed to go to bed because I apparently really needed some sleep.

So we're laying in bed and we're all watching Cooper's new projector thing that we got him for Christmas. (It plays lullabys and projects lights and scenes on the ceiling...very relaxing). So we're just laying there enjoying it and Craig was like "well is there anything else that you want to prop on my face?" I look over to see what he means and realize that I've flopped my whole hand across his face and it was just laying there...I guess I thought it was comfortable, I don't know...I didn't even realize I was doing it. (More hilarious laughter).

Then after the lullabys had stopped and the lights had went out we were almost asleep when I burst into a fit of giggles. "What? asked Craig, are you thinking about the curious george thing again?" "No....I (hehehehe) I was just thinking about (hahahaha) I was remembering aunt Trudy opening the enema at Christmas (AHAHAHAHAHAHA!) Do...(hehehe) do you remember that? Do you remember her UNWRAPPING it?!?! The look on her face when she saw the ritz box (hahahahahahahahahaha)" And Craig was like "Vaguely...but I don't remember it being that funny".

I continued to laugh myself to sleep...oh if every night could consist of happy thoughts about curious george and Christmas enemas...

2008-12-23T08:32:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Cooper-month 7

2008-12-23T07:04:00.000-08:00

Cooper...where do I even begin? This last month you have done more, learned more and tried more than in your whole life time combined! You seem to develop new skills and "do new tricks" each and every day! Every time I come home is extremely exciting because I just never know what to expect! All the time you are trying new things.

You can now roll over from side to side, although you generally stop in between rolls and flop your head down on the floor and then look up at us like "why am I in the floor and you're up there watching me?! PICK. ME. UP."

You say "dadada" constantly and it's so appropriate because he IS your very favorite person! Last night I got to your gran and grandpa frosty's first and you were *mildly excited* to see me. Enough to give me a small smile and then go back to playing. But when your daddy walked in the room anyone would have thought that you hadn't seen that man in a year because you lifted up your arms and you excitedly started clasping your fists together and you smiled and laughed and squealed and absolutely could not wait for him to pick you up! It was a "melt your heart" kind of moment. Even if you didn't do it for me...

You now say "hey" and "hi". When we walk in we say HEY and more often than not you mimic us in your adorable little voice HEYYY. I love to hear you talk. I could listen to your chatter all day, every day.

You are trying to crawl. Last night you were on the floor on your tummy and you were moving your arms and legs the right way but your belly was in the way. You looked like you were swimming, IT WAS HILARIOUS! I think very very soon you'll start to at least army crawl (you came so close last night) and after that there really will be no stopping you!

I have to do some MAJOR baby proofing very soon...

Oh you do this one thing where you grab both sides of our face and kind of give us a kiss. Except it's more like you try to eat our nose or chin or cheek...and I'm not entirely sure that it's out of affection...it's more like a war strategy...like maybe we're your prisoner and you're trying to make us talk...but all the same I LOVE IT! I'm a sucker for any kind of attention you pay us.

You can now sit up by yourself which is adorable and pretty handy too. You're still pretty unsteady and you do topple over but we can sit you up between us (me and your daddy) and you love it!

This past weekend we had Christmas with mema, grandma gilleland, brad, donna, crystal, brandy and dillon. You loved it! You would open a present, play with it, get cranky and then open another gift. You did seem a little over whelmed at times...and baby, you ain't seen nothing yet!

Tomorrow is Christmas eve and we'll go to grandma mincey's to open presents then to dipper dan's. Then on Christmas day we'll have santa presents, then presents from mommy and daddy then we'll have Christmas with nanny and poppop THEN we'll have Christmas with gran, frosty and aunt bec! WHAT A DAY!!!

The reason we celebrate Christmas is because God gave us Jesus. God sent Jesus to earth, to live and teach and finally to die. Jesus gave us the ultimate gift...he gave his life because that was the only way me and you and daddy and ANYONE could go to heaven. God gave us his Son, knowing that he had to make this sacrifice. And Jesus knew, even thousands of years ago that he was dying for us. For you, Cooper. He looked through time and saw your face and he said your name and I know that one day when you're old enough you'll ask him to live inside your heart. That's the reason that we celebrate Christmas. God gave us the gift of Jesus and Jesus gave us the gift of Salvation. We commemorate this by giving each other gifts. That's how tradition starts. This is the serious side of Christmas and it's the most important. Christmas is all about giving.

Santa Claus is part of the spirit of giving. Anyone who spends all year selflessly making thousands and thousands of toys and training reindeer surely deserves a shout-out! Santa spends all Christmas eve delivering toys to little boys and girls all around the world! What a wonderful feeling to be little and wake up Christmas morning and know that all around the world there is celebration and fun and OH MY GOSH AT THE PRESENTS! Santa is a part of Christmas, not the most important part but still a part!

Remember these things when you get older. Listen to your mommy, she is very wise...

I love you more than I will ever be able to tell you or communicate to you. It would be impossible to let you know just how much you have completed me and your daddy. We finally have our family. You, little one, you make everything happier, better and I absolutely don't know what we did without you! I am having more fun watching you grow, helping you learn and just showing you more love than I've ever felt in my entire life...

Cooper, Merry Christmas, baby!

Love,
mommy

Naughty Deer...

2008-12-19T13:21:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from my aunt kathy and uncle rob...i asked them to email me pictures of the family to use for a project that i was doing...this is what i got...REALLY GUYS? REALLY?!?!

1 HOUR, 40 MINUTES TO GO...

2008-12-19T12:52:00.000-08:00

until i get off...basically all im doing at the moment is killing time...riding the clock...looking busy. should we have to work the week before Christmas? my answer is no, unless of course you're in retail and then i think stores should have to stay open 24/7 until Christmas eve so all of us who have procrastinated all year long can finish their shopping...that is if we had any money to do it with...which we probably don't.

we had to pay for Craig's school the other day (which i had totally forgotten was due) and was kind of in shock and totally unprepared and i did not have $431. So trying to be the responsible self-reliant adult that i strive to be (insert eye rolls here), i called my credit card company to see if they could extend my credit limit so we could charge it...i was informed that i had sufficient credit for someone with my economic status...REALLY?! ARE YOU SURE?! because i think *I THINK* if i truly had sufficient credit then i wouldnt have called to try and get more...

and why does the internet always tell you this will work? every money saving article is always like "call the credit card company, they will work with you. they'll extend your credit limit. they'll take that late charge off. they'll reduce your interest rate..." SERIOUSLY INTERNET?! I FEEL LIKE YOU LIE TO ME...i mean maybe they would extend YOUR credit limit but maybe thats because you're apparently some kind of FINANCIAL ADVISOR since you're writing articles about it...but for me (joe-the-non-plumber) they feel that i have sufficient enough credit...

now we could have easily borrowed the money from my parents but they probably would have lent us cash to which i would feel compelled to pay back the next week when we got payed and really i had already planned to use that money for useful things like Christmas presents and...cheese...so i needed a financial lender who was willing to put up a credit card for us. so we called craig's mom and she charged it for us...yay for people with SUFFICIENT UNTAPPED CREDIT...

ANYWAY that was kind of a random tirade...like i said me: bored. and for some reason im not capitalizing or punctuating...is punctuating a word? hmmm im not sure...

so its almost a new year so we should all be making resolutions that we intend to keep but will probably break before january 2nd...i could write a whole book about resolutions that i need to make but i wont bore you...either that or im afraid that once i put it in writing i'll feel compelled to stick with it...

i was thinking maybe id like to win something this next year...a car would be nice...but seriously i was thinking i might enter lots of contests next year. like maybe at least one a day? contests are everywhere: internet, magazines, stores, etc. but anyway im thinking if i find at least one contest to enter a day (and blog about it) i would be bound to win SOMETHING. and if after 365 times of entering and not winning i think we can conclude that all of that is a scam...and that we've been lied to...

so anyway let me know what you think...or not...whatever...im going back to looking busy for...75 more minutes...

BABY STEPS...

2008-12-15T07:12:00.000-08:00

So my grandma (whom I truly do love, although you might not believe it after this), decided that my Cooper needed shoes THIS weekend. She called on Saturday morning and asked what I was doing. The truth was I had planned on running to Gainesville to go shopping because I desperately needed to finish some Christmas shopping but I was on a pretty tight schedule because we had our Christmas Church supper that night (where Craig played santa claus and did an AWESOME job and handed out marshmallow guns to all the kids-woo hoo go craig!)

Anyway so it was going to be kind of a rush trip but then again any shopping trip with my grandma is a rush trip, just ask anyone who's ever been...Becca...Gretchen...mom...Trudy...you know it...you know it is. The woman is almost...73? I'm pretty sure that's how old but she can RUN like no one's business. She RUNS and gets exactly what she is looking for and then she's all like, "okay are you ready to go" and we're all like "ummmm we've only been here for fifteen minutes and the only store we've been to is Belk's so...noooooo we're not ready quite yet..."

So we loaded up, (me, grandma, Cooper and Bec, who let us know that she didn't even want to go but she didn't have a whole lot of choices...gee thanks...).

My grandma has this obsessive thing with Cooper's feet. She thinks they are in a constant state of icyness. She's always like "his feet are freezing", "cover his feet up" and "MY LORD, WHERE ARE HIS SOCKS?!" And I always say things like "he loves NAKIE FEET...let his toes breath" and then she just gives me a look like she wants me to die.

I just don't see the point in baby shoes. Sure they're cute but they serve no purpose. Does he walk? No. Therefore he doesn't need shoes! But I thought okay, what the heck, she wants to buy shoes, if it makes her happy, we'll buy shoes, how hard could that be...(famous last words)...

Okay this is the problem with my kid's feet: they are extremely FAT. And I kind of thought that they were long too, that is until I actually started trying to fit him for shoes. But they're not, they are actually just really fat and short...so kind of ball like...picture a really round foot shaped ball with long toes sticking out...

We tried shoes at target. We found nothing that fit however we did get a really good picture of Becca trying huge ladies pink fuzzy slippers on him. Grandma was not amused.

Next we went to the mall. We went to J.C. Penny's-no fat baby feet shoes. We went to Sears-nothing but long skinny toddler shoes. We had an interesting conversation:

-grandma: are you going to let him watch sesame street?

-me: sure, yeah, he loves t.v.

-grandma: (leaning closer): well let me tell you what I heard...

-me: (looking nervously at bec because WELL you just never know...)

-grandma: somebody at work told me that they called their daughter and said YOU BETTER NOT BE LETTING MY GRANDKIDS WATCH THAT SESAME STREET! because I heard that bert and ernie...well ya know...

-me: what?

-grandma: you know, bert and ernie...they're playin a different kind of family...

-me: WHAT?

-grandma (whispering): gay!

-me: grandma, I thing they're brothers.

-becca: yeah I'm pretty sure they're brothers.

-grandma: well...I don't know...I just wanted to tell you in case you don't want him watching that

-me: I'm almost positive they're brothers so yes, sesame street is fine...

-bec: (eyes rolling all over the place)

Back to the horrible shoe shopping...so it wasn't just that they weren't fitting every single shoe was a battle. Becca would hold Cooper suspended in air trying to keep his arms down. Grandma would hand me shoes and I would try to wrestle it onto his flailing foot not convinced in that moment that he wasn't spawned from an octopus...the kid hates shoes! He is apparently very ticklish on his feet and everytime I touched him it was like his.feet.were.on.fire.and.he.hated.his.mommy. So there was flailing and screaming and gnashing of teeth...wait maybe that's something else I'm thinking of...

ANYWAY so we find nothing! We hit every store imaginable that might have shoes that would fit him. I was soaked in sweet, this was hard work! Grandma was getting desperate, she even pointed out a shoe store who's name was oddly enough: SHOES, SHOES, SHOES! Grandma got really excited until Becca pointed out that it looked like all they had were high heeled shoes and other hooker apparel...

We finally made it to Belk's, grandma's mecca and the one place where she was positive they would surely have the right baby shoes for Cooper's feet. By this time mom and dad, who were doing some shopping of their own had joined us. We tried on more and more shoes. NOTHING. Finally she see's a rack off in the distance. "Look!" Her excitement was almost *almost* contagious. The last rack...off in the horizon...our last chance for our baby not to catch frostbite and end up like a three-toed angry old man...

They have a pair that GLORY HALLELUJAH, fits! They were actually pretty cute too! Augh, sweet relief, life is good again, I can stop tormenting my child and his toes! Grandma is elated. I flip the shoe over...$30.00...thirty...THIRTY LOUSY DOLLARS for a pair of shoes that he DOESN'T need and that he will only be able to wear for MAYBE a month..."grandma, $30.00 dollars is a lot of money...why don't we just wait..." She looks horrified...she looks defeated...she looks at my dad. He says, "$30.00 is extremely unreasonable for a pair of baby shoes." She put the shoes back. She consoled herself by buying two huge packs of baby socks and I promised that if it was really cold I would dress him in two pairs...This was Saturday afternoon.

Sunday morning: I get a wake up call. Grandma wants to know if we're up and tell us that she's coming down, she has something for Cooper. She gets there with an adorable pair of sneakers. They actually fit! She said she couldn't sleep at all on Saturday night so she got up super early and went to walmart. She said if she hadn't found any there she was going to get my dad to take her to Atlanta...

Grandma was so happy I didn't even have the heart to tell her that the characters on the side of the shoe were from Sesame Street...

the one in which your family and friends tell you to shove it up your @$$

2008-12-08T12:11:00.000-08:00

I am listening to this radio station and I swear all day long I've heard these 2 commercials: one is for a weight loss company and one is for laser hair removal. Both companies advertise that their product or a gift card for their product would make the perfect stocking stuffer...REALLY?!

It's like "Here, I really want you to have this...for your unsightly hair in innapropriate places covering your body...and also I think you're kind of fat..."

Is it just me or does that not really say "Happy Birthday Jesus"...

Baby Teeth make me want to DIE...

2008-12-08T06:30:00.000-08:00

ughghghgh. the teething. ughghghghgh. It makes me shutter to think of it.

Yesterday kind of sucked. Cooper threw up twice, (once all over the church pew...) then he refused to eat anything. He fell asleep right after church and slept for...wait...wait for it...3 1/2 HOURS! Most parents would be like "SCORE!" But not me, I just kept starring at him wondering what was wrong and why he was still asleep.

Finally I willed him awake with my non stop starring and I figured okay he's going to be starved because he's only had 1 1/2 bottles and by this time normally he's had 3 and sometimes 4! So I fix a bottle and he drinks *maybe* an ounce...then he's like "okay I'm done". THE KID WOULD NOT EAT ANYTHING! I tried formula. I tried juice. I tried applesauce. Nope, he wanted NOTHING. I have never experienced this before because Cooper loves to eat! It's his very favorite activity. He's all like, "oh food, yeah I'll eat that...oh milk, yum give it to me, wait-juice? you want to give me juice? Juice is incredible, of course I want it...random piece of something he picked up off the floor-heck yeah it goes IN my mouth!" But yesterday he was all like "hmmm yeah ummmmm I'm not going to be eating that...uuummmm I might open my mouth to trick you but that's all...yeah...it's just how I roll today..." And I was like "OH MY GOSH EAT THE FOOD! EAT THE FOOD TINA! EAT THE FOOD!"

So mom came down and did manage to get him to take a few tiny bites of applesauce. I stopped panicking. Applesauce is good. People can live off of applesauce. Babies don't die as long as they eat applesauce, right?

Then came the non-stop crying. For hours it seemed. Crying and crying and then he would mix it up with a little screaming and then a screech then good old fashioned crying. I tried orajel. He looked at me like he hated me. I tried a bottle. He was like "seriously, are you kidding, I'll puke all over you to prove my point-I. DON'T. WANT. THAT." I tried tylenol. He tried to use his baby powers to project just how very much he wanted me to die.

I knew he must be hurting but I can't be convinced that it was excruciating pain because if I stood up and walked around and went to the door and let him look outside he stopped crying...then we walked back to the living room and he was like "AAAGGGHHH I HATE MY LIFE". So from this I concluded he COULD stop crying. It was POSSIBLE. So whatever was hurting (I'm betting on the demon teeth), apparently wasn't hurting to the point that he was going to die, only the point where I thought I was.

Then I tried what my mom always says to try. The bath. The magical, glorious bath. And he was like "hhhmmmm warm water? check. splashing? check. naked? check! And he actually stopped crying...while he was in the water. Now here in wherein our dilemma lies. He's not crying but seriously how long can we keep up this charade? You can only stay wet and naked for a limited amount of time when you're 6 months old. So carefully I lift him out and wrap him in a towel...hoping, praying, that the bath did the trick. That he would have forgotten about what was hurting and he was relaxed enough to not care...I carried him to the bedroom...so far, so good. I layed him down to put his clothes on and he was like "WHAT, WHAT THE CRAP, WOMAN?! HOW DARE YOU LAY ME DOWN AND DEMAND THAT I PUT THAT SHIRT ON?!" And the screaming started again...

Finally after he was dry and dressed and all riled up again I tried the bottle one more time and it worked! He was still mad, he was scowling but...he was also closing his eyes. A little at a time. Yep...finally, finally he went back to sleep.

It just hurts me that I can't seem to help him at all when he gets like that. If I knew what to do I would.

If I could grow those #%&* teeth for him I would.

Steak on a Stick

2008-12-04T19:21:00.001-08:00

When Craig suggested chinese for supper I was excited. When I called it in and found out that they had terriyaki steak I was elated. When I opened the brown bag and found steak on a stick I was confused...

Six pieces of marinated steak woven onto a long stick and cooked and then placed in a bag. Doesn't that seem like a weird entree to you? No rice, no noodles, no vegetables, just steak...on a stick...

I didn't think to ask "does it come with rice?" because at the chinese restaurant WHAT DOESN'T COME WITH RICE?!?! I mean seriously, you order sesame chicken they say "that come with RICE, you want noodle too?" You order mongolian beef and they say "you want fried RICE or steam RICE-which one for you?" You order chicken fried rice and they say "OOHH GOOD, YOU ALIKA DA RICE...WE ALIKA DA RICE...THAT COME WITH RICE..LOTS AND LOTS A RICE...RICE MAKE YOU HAPPY...RICE MAKE US RICH..." Then you order the freakin terriyaki steak and it comes on a FLIPPIN STICK with NO RICE....

I feel jipped...I feel sad and most of all I feel hungry...

Bring on the Awesome <><><><

2008-12-04T05:54:00.000-08:00

1) It's one day closer to that magical day called FRIDAY (aka: payday, aka: WEEKEND)!!!
2) TV is absolutely amazing on Thursday:
~My name is Earl (hilarious white trash action)
~Kath and Kim (i've only seen this once but i was amused plus it's a good filler to get ready for):
~THE OFFICE!!! (hands down, best show on the air)! then finally:
~30 ROCK (runs a close second to the office)!
(I have to give an honerable mention to grey's anatomy and ugly betty which also comes on thursday and if it came on at 10:00 and 11:00 it would be the perfect storm of television but unfortunetly it collides with earl and the
office so i have to catch it over the weekend on abc.com)

So basically I plan to get the best food for the best supper, I plan to wear my most comfy pajamas and I plan to cuddle under blankets on the couch with my best craig and my super best cooper. (and I'm also hoping that the cats have a calm night and there is NO climbing the Christmas tree and there is NO climbing the couch and maybe jay-jay, mercy and dudley curl up at my feet AND if I'm feeling really good I may just break out the egg nog and wrap a few presents!

I AM STOKED! BRING ON THE AWESOME...
<><><><
shannon

THE puppy MOTHER OF ALL PET PEEVES

2008-12-03T07:15:00.000-08:00

~So I'm sitting out front at my lovely job and someone calls and they're like "yeah...ummm..do you like got the number for....ya know....like my probation officer...? "Who is your probation officer?" "ummmm I don't know like his name or nothin..." "okay...well there are several I'll just give the number to one." "do you think it'll...like...be the one I need...?" I DON'T KNOW SIR, WHY DON'T YOU STOP ROLLING YOUR DOOBIES LONG ENOUGH TO FIND YOUR *puppy* PAPERWORK AND FIND THE NAME OF OWN FREAKIN *puppy* PROBATION OFFICER AND THEN CALL ME BACK!!!!

~(a phone conversation):

me: sheriff's office

caller: hey!

me: hello.

caller: could you give me the number to the probate court?

me: sure, it's 706-

caller: WAIT! I don't have a pen!

me: okay.

caller: (background noise) HEY LEROY! LE-ROY! YOU GOT A PEN?!

leroy: A WHAT?!

caller: A PEN. A PENCIL. SOMETHIN TO WRITE WITH!

leroy: WHAT IN THE #%&* ARE YOU YELLIN ABOUT. I CAN'T HEAR MY WRESTLIN!

caller: DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, MY MAMA WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU. I SHOULD TAKE THIS FRYING PAN AND HIT YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD!

me: UH, MA'AM...MA'AM! I'M STILL HERE...

caller: YOU SORRY PIECE O CRAP, GET OFF YOUR LAZY @#$ AND GET A *puppy* JOB! WHERE THE %#^*& DID I PUT MY GUN?!

me: MA'AM! MA'AM!! DO YOU NEED AN OFFICER?! HELLO?!

caller: hey, I'm back. sorry about that, had to find me a pen!

me: umm is everything okay?

caller: right as rain, I'm ready for that number now!

~A CONVERSATION IN THE FRONT LOBBY:

me: how can I help you?

man: I need to get fingerprinted for a gun permit

me: (pointing) okay just walk around the side of the building, through the double doors.

man: around this side (pointing)

me: yes sir, just around the side, through the double doors

(as he's walking out the door I see him turn the wrong way...)

(5 minutes later)

man: uh ma'am I hate bother you again but I walked around and couldn't find any doors

me: (standing up and pointing and gesturing) you walk THAT way around THAT side of the building and go through THAT set of doors

man: okay thank you ma'am

(6 minutes later)

man: ma'am...

me: yes?

man: I found the doors but there wasn't nobody at that desk

me: did you see the front window? did you see the sign? the sign that said PLEASE RING FOR ASSISTANCE? did you ring the bell? DID YOU? no you didnt? okay well then that would be wherein your problem lies...that and the fact that you are SO STUPID you cant follow simple direction like around the MOTHER *puppy* SIDE OF THE BUILDING! I mean seriously sir DO YOU NEED A GUN? because frankly if you can't find the side of the building and you clearly aren't capable of ringing a *puppy* *puppy* bell then I'm not sure that I want you packin heat!

it was like a PTERODACTYL going down in QUICK SAND

2008-12-02T04:44:00.000-08:00

The quote my husband used to describe me when I fell yesterday in the walmart parking lot.

It was shaping up to be a good night. I had bought stuff for supper (grilled hamburgers for Craig and taco salad for me). We were both in a good mood. We had went to walmart and rented a FREE movie and we were on our way to get that beautiful baby! It had been snowing all day long and it was like walking in a winter wonderland. Me and Craig were walking arm in arm and had just strolled out of walmart when my STUPID TOO LONG PANTS collided with the FREAKIN SLIPPERY PARKING LOT and mixed with my GENERAL CLUMSINESS & INABILITY TO WALK and down I went...Since Craig was linked with me I apparently tried to take him down too. The way I fell I ended up turning completely around and I remember Craig's feet flailing over my head as he hopped me in an attempt NOT to fall. He succeeded. I lay wounded. Okay well not much was wounded but my pride and also I ripped the strap on my fake crock...

After I got myself up and we laughed hysterically we proceeded home and had the anticipated good night. While I was in the bathroom changing I hear Craig on the phone with Joann. He's describing my fall and he goes "it was like a PTERODACTYL...going down in...QUICK SAND...KAW KAWWW" and I open the door to find him flapping his arms. I roll my eyes and smile and remember that it's moments like this, when my husband makes fun of me for almost breaking my leg that I realize just how much I love this man...

My Drug Induced Rage

2008-12-01T11:15:00.001-08:00

Black Friday was a bleak day for me and the walmart pharmacy.

Thanksgiving night (midnight) me, Becca, Crystal, Brandy and Heather headed out to the outlet mall (where we only got a parking space thanks to wonderful JOSHY)! Anyway so we shop (which at the outlet mall on Thanksgiving at midnight consists of walking in the cold and squeezing into stores that haven't yet reached their maximum capacity as stated by the fire marshall [the ones that have, have people standing outside to get IN, we didn't attempt these] and then inching our way around finding one or two deals and then realizing that the mob of people standing butt to front, squished together in a line that snakes around the store three times and out the door is actually the check out line to pay...then putting your stupid cheap t-shirt up and walking out in the cold again). So yeah that's what we did until like 4:00 in the morning. We get back to Joann's and I get a few *few* hours sleep because Cooper wakes up. See he doesn't realize that his mommy is a crazy person that spent all the hours that he was asleep doing stupid, stupid things in the cold so he is bright eyed and bushy tailed and I'm like "I am going to die...ughghgh"

After a few more hours (none of which were spent sleeping and I have to admit some of which were spent at target...it's like I'm a glutton for punishment...). So Craig has gotten progressively worse (he has previously been sick). Of course this didn't stop him from going to home depot three times...YES THREE. On the same day.

He decided when we got back to town he would go to the walmart quick care clinic. So while he does this I shop around walmart (I know!) and Becca stays in the car with sleeping Coop. After he gets out of the clinic he tells me that they called him in an antibiotic to the walmart pharmacy and it will be ready in 30 minutes. I tell him that I'm finding a few things and why doesn't he take Becca and Cooper to mom and dad's and let them keep him until we get done.

Fast forward 45 minutes to 1 hour later. Craig gets back to walmart, I finish shopping and we head to the pharmacy. Here's where things get ugly...we wait in line (ugh the line...) and finally it's our turn. Craig tells her his name and she checks the computer and this is where Craig severed all ties with the cashier and I took over the conversation...

cashier- "oh okay well that's been called in and but it's not ready yet because we didn't know you were "in store".

me: "what? what do you mean you didn't know we were in store? we were in the freakin clinic. that's in the FREAKIN STORE! the clinic told us it would be 30 minutes."

cashier-"well...actually...you're supposed to come check in back here at the pharmacy and let us know that you're going to be waiting to pick it up...because otherwise we don't know you're "in store"

me: trying to kill her with my dagger eyes

cashier: with a smirky smile "it will be about 30 minutes"

me: "what the frick? WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD PASS ALONG THIS INFORMATION TO THE CLINIC, (THAT YOU SHOULD CHECK IN) BECAUSE THEY'RE TELLING PEOPLE THAT THEIR MEDICINE WILL BE READY IN 30 MINUTES AND CLEARLY IT'S NOT. SO I GUESS I'LL JUST GO THE FRICK HOME, PICK UP MY SICK BABY, DRIVE MY SICK HUSBAND BACK TO THE STORE AND THEN COME THE FRICK BACK HERE!"

(I tend to exaggerate sometimes but this is truthfully pretty much word for word how this conversation went).

Then i walked away raging and telling everyone I saw that I knew, about how much the stupid pharmacy sucks. (And one of my BFF's works there and she is awesome and had she been there this incident wouldn't have happened because she's smart enough to know the clinic is INSIDE the store).

So we leave and I tell Craig to take me to Rite-Aid because I'm going to find out how to transfer our prescriptions there. I go in and talk to the NICEST pharmacy tech and she tells me they just call walmart and get it transferred. I ask how long it would take. She says 20 minutes...let's do it!
So the pharmacist calls and I can hear his side of the conversation: "oh it's already ready...well she's here and she wants it transferred..." and I'm like "that's amazing that they could fill it that fast since they told me it would take another 30 minutes". The tech said I certainly wasn't the first person with this complaint.

So after spending 10 minutes (TOTAL) in Rite-Aid I walked out with Craig's prescription and a $30.00 gift card for transferring a prescription. WOO HOO!

After a few days to clear my head I thought maybe *maybe* I had over-reacted a little bit because of my tiredness and the fact that I was walking/shopping zombie...but looking back I'm proud of the decision that I made...I mean really, do I want people who don't even realize that the WALMART CLINIC is located IN the walmart dispensing me pills...I think not.

COOPER-MONTH 6!!!

2008-11-25T07:03:00.000-08:00

Cooper, don't be too mad at your mommy for being three days late in writing this blog for you because for the past three days I have spent the majority of my time holding you, rocking you and praying to the Almighty that you stop crying.

We had a rough weekend. On Friday night you, my marvelous beautiful baby boy who has slept through the night from the very beginning of your life decided to wake up and cry every two hours...I dutifully got up with you. I rocked you, I fed you and sometimes I even held you on my lap and we both slept in the big bed.

On Saturday I could tell something was wrong. You didn't want to take a nap. You didn't want to play. You didn't want to eat. You wanted to cry. And cry. And then, in case we didn't get it, you wanted to cry some more. Saturday night you didn't sleep, only cried. The most frustrating part in all of this was the fact that I didn't know what was wrong. Were you hurting? Were you hungry? Were you on some kind of baby crack that had opened a whole new realm of emotions for you? Did you finally hear who our new president was?

Finally around 8:30 Sunday morning, I told your daddy that he HAD to take you for a little while because I HAD to sleep at least an hour. I was exhausted. He took over Cooper-duty while I slept on the couch. I still woke up every little bit when I would hear you and ask how you were and remind your daddy of things like "um did you feed him" and "try changing his diaper" and other relatively easy baby things it would seem but for some reason when your daddy is the sole provider for you these things fall out of his head.

Things went from bad to worse. When word got around that you were sick your family CONVERGED into our house. Your grandma Mincey tends to freak out in all situations concerning you and it didn't help my mood or the fact that I was running on very little sleep by insisting that I go lay down while she folded clothes and did dishes. Even if you actually are exhausted if someone keeps insisting that you are, IT BECOMES MADDENING.

Luckily by Sunday night we had a system I sat up in bed with pillows behind me and crossed my legs indian style. I put a pillow on my legs and propped you up, facing me. It worked. You slept. I slept. I still woke up a lot but not to you screaming, I woke up just to touch your face or chest to make sure you were breathing. We made it through the night.

Yesterday you were a completely different baby. Thank God you finally started feeling better and you were back to being MY MOST PRECIOUS, SWEET, LOVING TINY HUMAN BEING THAT I REMEMBERED!

You completely amaze me with your new skills. You roll, you "sing", you play and you definitely have your very own personality. Last night I was letting you play with a new toy that is actually supposed to strap to your car seat to give you something to do while riding but since it wasn't on your seat yet I decided to let you try it out. It is a long hard plastic bar with toys that spin and light up in the middle. It velcro's onto the car seat. After I had given you this baby death toy to play with I realized just how dangerous it was. It would be fine if it had indeed been fastened securely onto your seat but since I handed it to you loose you gripped it in your chubby fists and waved it furiously around hitting several things including your own face and head...after seeing this several times (if I was a good mom, one time would have been enough, but I swear it was so entertaining...) anyway I finally took it away which sent you into a tantrum! I know realistically that I should discourage such behavior but I just looked at you in awe and wonder and rejoiced in the fact that you're YOU! You may only be 6 months old but you know what you want. You wanted that toy and you were extremely aggravated that I took it away and you let me know! You communicated your feelings! I don't why this amazes me but for some reason it just reiterates the fact that YOU'RE REAL. You are a real human being and you're developing normally and you are reaching all your milestones and MY GOSH AT THE PERSONALITY YOU ALREADY HAVE!

Sometimes I'll hold you standing up in my lap so our faces our even and I'll say "COOPER. COOPER. COOPER" over and over again trying to get you to look at me. You deliberately turn your head to look past my shoulder and then I see you smile. YOU'RE ALREADY IGNORING ME, oh what a great relationship we're going to have when you're a teenager!

No matter what your face always lights up when your daddy or your grandpa frosty walks in the room...I pretend like it annoys me but it's actually pretty cute, you are definitely a "man's man"!

You sing to me by looking at me and screeching in different tones and I can only imagine that you feel like I'm doing the same thing when I try to sing to you.

You love prunes and bananas and sweet potatoes but most of all you love coke! When you reach for my cup I usually give you a sip and your eyes get big and you get VERY excited and then afterwards you make this growly noise and flap your arms to show everyone who very much you love sugar!

This week is your very first Thanksgiving. Oh Cooper, you have not known the definition of "fiasco" until you live through a holiday season with our family! I have many stories to share with you when you're older and only if you promise to not repeat the words I'll have to use to describe the happenings...but most of all this Thanksgiving and Christmas you're going to experience the most love and joy and warmness that you've ever felt! No matter how many times we change the location of Thanksgiving with grandma Joann or how "late" we happen to be to grandma Mincey's (even though it's not really fair to say "we'll eat between 12-:00 and 12:30" and then call at 11:55 and ask why we're not there yet. If you want to eat at 11:55, FINE, but just say so to begin with...) anyway DESPITE all of those things holidays rock with our families! They are second to none and you are going to love it! You will be passed around and hugged more than you have in your entire life. And the presents, OH THE PRESENTS! You will be surrounded by shinny paper and curly ribbons and bags and bags that will CRINKLE in your submissive little hands! And nap time is completely unheard of on holidays. You will be encouraged to stay up and play until you finally have to lay down in the floor amongst piles of discarded gift wrap and boxes and catch a short rest. Then we'll get you back up because it will be time to try new foods and anything and everything sugar coated! That is a holiday with our family.

And as for the "warm fuzzy" feeling, well that comes from grandma Mincey's house. It will be the hottest feeling you've ever had. (She even bought a brand new heater last month...) Luckily for you you're still young enough that it would be acceptable for you to strip down naked and roll around on the floor cool yourself off...

hugs and kisses and love,
your mommy
<><><><

PREGNANT AGAIN!!!

2008-11-20T10:14:00.000-08:00

not me.

dooce is preggo again http://www.dooce.com

i cant wait to read about her preggo-related adventures...they promise to be very amusing...and by the way did i freak any of you out just now with the whole "pregnant again" DID I? DID I?!

For Your Viewing Pleasure

2008-11-17T11:17:00.000-08:00

you should watch this youtube clip...you will laugh...repeatedly...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtKxrYp0pC0

okay GRETCHEN, here's your freakin blog...

2008-11-12T08:06:00.000-08:00

I was told to write a blog so here's whats on my mind right now...

My current gripe and pet peeve:
there is a family waiting to see an investigator in the front lobby. I am sitting at the front desk because I was the unfortunate loser of the day. The mom is sitting in the chair facing me (even though there are plenty of chairs that don't require her to stare directly at me), and she's gripping about various things such as that she's cold, blah blah blah.

Her kid, a TEENAGE girl is spinning around right in front of the glass window to my office. She spins and spins and spins all the while saying "THE ROOM IS SPINNING, THE ROOM IS SPINNING" then she crashes spread eagle into the window (picture a bug hitting your windshield).

This is beyond annoying and distracting and I can't even eat my cheesy spaghetti bake because of the pandemonium AND THE FRIGGIN STARRING.

And this is not a little girl. If she was 3 I might (*might* depending vastly on my mood) find this endearing and cute but the girl is at least 13...(and not mentally handicapped...) although maybe if she hits the glass a few more times she'll qualify...

The Power of...Brain Power...x's 3...

2008-11-07T07:12:00.000-08:00

Mom (Lorri), Angela and me have went coupon crazy. (As many of you already know). But we have realized that couponing is hard. It takes perseverance...it takes strategy...it takes brain power. And we have also realized that we don't have enough brain power alone, we must unite our brains to come up with one usable brain that is capable of true couponing genius...

Latest example: Last night kroger's was out of carnation evaporated milk that was on sale. This was a bummer because we were expecting to get it for free...here's how: it's normal price is $1.24. It was on sale for $1.00. But it was also part of the MEGA 10 DEAL where if you bought 10 items you got an additional $5.00 off your order. So if you bought 10 cans when you calculate that, it makes them $0.50 a can. HOWEVER we also had several coupons that were $0.50 off of 2 AND because kroger's doubles coupons that would make it $1.00 off of 2 and since we were getting them for $0.50 each that would make them free...now since they were out, we all got rainchecks and the rainchecks were written "each can $0.50 each". For some reason this blew our mind, our coupons went out of our brain window and we were mad thinking we were going to have the buy the milk for $0.50 a can...still a good deal but not free...

It took us 3 brains, 13 hours, a night's sleep, 3 phone calls and 1 voicemail later to realize that we would in fact still be able to obtain them for free...after using our coupons...

I'm glad we have each other because...well...I'm just not sure that any of us are smart enough to do this alone...

You're like a homeless person...but with a home...

2008-11-04T12:36:00.001-08:00

"You're a scavenger...you're like a homeless person...but with a home...and a job and a baby." That was the random quote that one of the deputies slapped me in the face with today when I merely mentioned that Shane's was giving away free chicken tenders if you brought in your "I VOTED" sticker.

Yes, I am like a scavenger. I'm just about the cheapest person you'll ever meet but who would turn down FREE CHICKEN?!

Now I can't honestly say that this quote came unprovoked, as every single day that I've seen him for the last week I've boasted about some kind of deal that I got for free...and okay maybe that does make me sound a little pathetic especially when you pair it with the fact that I told him about how I sometimes dumpster dive for coupons...BUT STILL...

KNOW THIS DEPUTY TYLER HENRY, I will no longer be sharing with you any of my fabulous finds and I hope that you always have to pay full price for your chicken as long as you live...

Harsh, I know but this idle threat comes with no fear of repercussion as he informed me he would never read my blog because he has no desire to read about "kittens and fluffy babies" or something like that and incidentally those happen to be my favorite subjects...

My email RANT to Ingle's

2008-10-31T09:51:00.001-07:00

(this post is an email comment in it's entirety left by ME for the Ingle's company, reference my several different rants and grievances I've had with them lately. I plan to post the response (if I get one). If you get bored easily and don't appreciate a good gripe, skip ahead to next post to find out that Dudley's a girl...)

I just wanted to first commend your corporation for having quality food at competitive prices. Going to Ingles used to be a treat since you offer a wide variety of different type foods HOWEVER my last two shopping experiences in the last two weeks have almost persuaded me to stick to Kroger and other competitors such as our local J&J.

I had received a coupon in the mail from the Purina company inviting me to try a new cat litter. The coupon was for one (1) free bag of Yesterday's News Cat Litter (value up to $6.99). When I went to purchase this (along with lots of other groceries), I was told you don't take "internet coupons" for free items. I explained that it wasn't an internet coupon and that the company had sent it to me in the mail. The cashier called the manager(I think she was the manager) over (Amy) and she said the same thing. I again explained it wasn't an internet coupon (it was on security backed paper and to me did not look like something that would be interpreted as a "fake" or a "printout"). Amy responded with "well it looks like an internet coupon." I just kept my coupon (and redeemed it at J&J) and asked Ingle's to take the litter off my order. There was also a bag of cat food that had rung up a different price than what was marked on the shelf and when I questioned it the manager? (Amy) was very snippy and rude.

I chalked this up to "everyone has a bad day" and tried not to let this experience ruin my opinion about your store.

Last night I was shopping with my mom, baby and friend. I was disappointed because the 9-Lives cat food that had been advertised for two weeks as being on sale, wasn't there. I could see where there had been some on the shelf but they were gone. (This was also the case last week when I went specifically for that cat food...I'm not sure if maybe they just had so few bags or if maybe I just keep going after everyone else cleans them out...).

We all got several things and proceeded to check out. My friend was in a separate line than us and she got done before us. She walked over and told me to check what my Michelina's frozen dinners were ringing up because her's rung up wrong. (They were supposed to be 5/$5 and her's were ringing up $1.25 each-normal price). (There was a large sign on the freezer door). Mine had also rung up wrong. I pointed this out to the cashier and he called Amy. (My friend informed me later that when her cashier had called her over that she had been very rude and wouldn't take her word for it and went to check herself. Okay fine but when she came back she was very hateful and said "those weren't on sale the sign says "assorted varieties" and it doesn't include those. Really? They were the pizza rolls and buffalo chicken variety...So the sale was for the lasagna only? If that was true shouldn't the sign have said "select varieties"? Minor detail but she said she would adjust the price. (Which I'm pretty sure was supposed to be the "sale price" anyway). So when she (Amy), got called to my register she really wasn't happy, slamming my boxes, and muttering things). After that I handed the cashier my coupons. (Not an excessive amount and not to exceed your strict coupon policy). He looked shocked and exclaimed to Amy "she's got coupons too!!!" like maybe I was the cheapest person he had ever met (and I very well might be, lol)! Amy looked confused and told him that was okay. (Again I'm not sure why he was so shocked).

So considering the several different cases of rude customer service, having to figure out exactly how many coupons i am actually allowed to use on a certain order and the fact that a lot of your sales seem to be gone by the time I make it to the store I think Kroger and J&J are a better fit for me. I might not find the exotic choices that I have at Ingles but in my opinion customer service and helpfulness more than make up the difference!

I'm sure this is not the norm for all of your stores, I guess I am just unfortunate that this is the case for the store closest to me, (Dawsonville, Georgia). I am in no way trying to get anyone in trouble and I'm not even saying I'm boycotting your store. It's hard to keep a REAL CHEAPSKATE like me away if there's a super sale but for the most part I'll be frequenting friendlier stores! I sincerely hope that maybe these incidents were isolated and hopefully other people are enjoying the Ingle's Advantage!

Thanks for your time,
Shannon Sexton

DUDLEY'S A GIRL, DUDLEY'S A GIRL!!!

2008-10-31T04:44:00.000-07:00

Kind of reminds me of the episode of Friend's when baby Chandler is supposed to be a boy according to ultrasound and after the birth she's a girl and Frank runs out and yells, "CHANDLER'S A GIRL, CHANDLER'S A GIRL!!!" And Chandler goes "oh kindergarten flashback, kindergarten flashback!!!"

Okay well that was kind of off topic but I took Studley Dudley to the vet for the first time yesterday and guess what? Dudley's a girl!! They asked me if I was going to change her name and I'm like "no...she's been Dudley all her life...that's her name".

I know it makes no sense but for some reason I seem to feel closer to her and favor her more sense I found out she was a girl...for some bizarre reason I must love girl cats more than boy cats...BUT I was overwhelmingly glad that Cooper was a boy so apparently I favor male human babies...

Now watch, the next cat we get will be a boy and I'll find out I'm pregnant with a little girl and I'll totally have to edit this post...

VOMIT & ME

2008-10-29T09:44:00.000-07:00

I always throw up outside. Anyone who knows me but at all, knows this. Throwing up inside is gross because there's the whole sticking your head in the toilet (UGH), holding on to the rim (ILLUGH) and then there's usually always spillage...(I'm gagging just thinking about it).

FLASHBACK TO PREGNANCY DAYS: I was so incredibly sick every day that I was pregnant I had to get really creative with methods and places to throw up. One night after we had eaten mexican (why did I even think that was a good idea?) anyway, it was about 3:00 am and I was sick, sick, sick. Cooper apparently did not like tacos...So I'm in the bathroom because as you can imagine with mexican, "throwing up" was not my only symptom...so I know I'll never make it outside but can't bring myself to barf in the toilet so I run to the bathtub and manage to puke like 45 times...now remember I'm pregnant, disoriented, it's the middle of the night and I generally don't have a ton of common sense. I decide to try and wash it down with water...unfortunately our tub was draining slow and the water was just making one giant vomit soup swirling around and around in our tub...*shudder* okay, so being that I was exhausted I just threw a bath towel over the water-vomit and went back to bed. Needless to say by the next morning it had all congealed to the bottom of the tub and Craig was not thrilled to find it there...(at least he didn't not look and just STEP into the tub...that would have been worse...)

BACK TO LAST NIGHT: similar scenario except substitute stomach virus for pregnancy and it was 4:00 am not 3:00 and also I was wearing my glasses that only have one lens so you have to picture it all with me looking like a pirate.

I was sick in the bathroom again and was in no way going to make it to the great outdoors. I held my head over the sink and let it rip. Unfortunately what I had for supper was chicken fetachini (okay I have no idea how to spell that) alfredo and oreos...not pleasant...

Afterwards I started to run water in the sink and of course IT DOESN'T DRAIN. Because plumbing that actually worked correctly would cause my brain to explode...and no one wants that...and keep in mind that I'm actually bent over the sink to get a closer look at what's going on because I am so very blind...

I go to get the magic fix-it, a walmart bag. If I could only scoop it up into the plastic bag and tie it I could forget about it and go back to bed...BUT no good vomit story is complete without some kind of perilous adventure. When I went to get paper towels (for the sopping up) we were out. (Of course we were)! When I got back to the bathroom Mercy (my most curious cat) was trying to see what was in the sink and if she could possibly eat it). GROSS. Getting the cat off the counter was a challenge because she was determined.

I was still stuck. Some of the water had drained but not all of it and of course non of the actual vomit because...well vomit was not meant to go down a drain...this I should have remembered...I worked with what I had. I used diapers (clean ones) to absorb and clean out the sink. Thank God for Luvs...my only other thought was to maybe open up like twenty maxi pads with wings and line the sink with them. I figured eventually they would have soaked it up.

And if nothing else it would have given Craig one more reason to shake his head and make fun of me.

Another One Bites the Dust...

2008-10-28T09:17:00.000-07:00

I've done it. I've killed another vehicle. This brings my grand total up to 5. FIVE. I have been legally driving for 10 years so that means I average killing a car every 2 years. These are not good odds.

My mom pointed out that it was in no way my fault. But it is. The vehicle was in MY possession. In MY driveway. In MY protective care.

I have spent all morning thanking God that no one was hurt. Thank God Cooper wasn't in the van. Thank God I wasn't in the van. Thank God Craig wasn't in between the van and the truck. I am thankful but I still find the situation ironic...

Do you even know anyone else who has had a GARBAGE TRUCK'S emergency brake fail and the truck go barrelling backwards down a hill and crash into their vehicle and mash it in and push it down the driveway breaking the windows and the wheels? Do you? Oh, you don't? So I guess I'm the only one who can profess DEATH TO THE VAN BY RUNAWAY GARBAGE TRUCK.

SOFT ~n~ NASTY...

2008-10-28T09:05:00.000-07:00

"Soft n Nasty" a quote from my husband yesterday.

He stayed home with our sick Coopasaurus and like a good house husband he did a few chores. When I got home all the clothes were gone out of the bathroom floor. I walked in the laundry room and commented on how good it smelled.

"Yumm it smells so...good in here...what did you do?" "It's just the detergent you bought, it smells really good!" At this point I'm thinking to myself "really? the purex I got for $1.99 on clearance? hmmmm. I didn't know it smelled that good..." Then Craig picked up the bottle of liquid he had ACTUALLY been using to "wash" the clothes. "Craig, that is Snuggle Bear (or whatever that cuddly little bear product is called). It's fabric softener...not detergent..." He shrugged, "Oh...well I guess our clothes will be SOFT ~n~ NASTY."

And that, right there, that's why I did it, that's why I married him, because of moments like that.

YOU NEED TO CHECK IT OUT

2008-10-24T12:21:00.000-07:00

CHECK HER OUT --------------> http://jane4girls800dollarannualbudget.blogspot.com/

i just discovered her blog today so im not that familiar with, but apparently she documents every shopping trip and tells about her purchases and blogs about her savings. she also had some awesome recipies most of which are made to cook in bulk and freeze for later...AWESOME.

love,
shannon

COOPER-5 MONTHS OLD!!!

2008-10-23T07:03:00.000-07:00

Cooper,

You reached a milestone yesterday...while I was at work...you rolled over! Yay for mobility! Your Gran was afraid to tell me, afraid that I would be upset because I wasn't there but who could be upset about something as wonderful as motor skills?! I mean I only work at the dipper's one night a week so from now on if it's not too much trouble maybe you could save the really cute stuff for me, okay? But if you must manifest your new found knowledge somewhere else Gran and Grandpa Frosty's house is a good place! (I must admit though if you dare say "Aunt Bec" as your first words, pretty much, you'll be disowned...)

Wow. Five months old. Amazing. You still take my breath away. Every single morning when I look at you waking up in your crib and smiling at me and looking so happy to be alive I hate myself because I didn't get up thirty minutes earlier just so I could hold you and talk to you and be with you. Dropping you off at Ms. Karen's is hard because I miss you but I know that she loves you and you love her...and that helps.

Next week is halloween and you are going to be...A DINOSAUR!!! You have this absolutely adorable costume and you make the prettiest dinosaur ever! We're going to a halloween party this Saturday and you'll get to meet your great aunt glenda and great uncle phillip. Most of daddy's family will be there so we'll have a great time. You, of course will be the star! A green dinosaur star!

I love you so much. I just can't say it enough. I am SO thankful to God that He gave us you. I couldn't imagine our life without you. It would be so boring and drab and wouldn't contain any kind of "jungle themed" toys...you bring us laughter...you bring us life...

All day long I count down the hours until I get to be with you again. Right now there's seven...which is a lot...but we'll make it. One more day until the weekend then we get two whole days off together, yay!

I can't wait until Christmas, I have so many things swirling around in my mind that I want to get you. This time next year you'll be walking...and talking...and such a little man...I wish we could live in slow motion so that I could savour every single minute...except the occasional 2:30 feeding (to which I can't complain, there haven't been too many) but those I could fast forward through...no, not really...even at 2:30 am I love you unconditionally and I still love to wrap my arms around you. I'd not trade a minute for anything...

I don't know why I'm so sentimental today. I guess a combination of things. So I better wrap this up before I start crying at my desk, because it's one of those days that I'm going to cry at random things...commercials, songs, your smile, and under NO circumstances will I let your daddy watch Extreme Home Makeover because that will send me right over the edge...

I love you and in just a few short hours I'll be there to hold you again.

Love,
mama

When I Place an Order My Name Now Comes Up: PLEASE SPIT IN HER FOOD...A LOT

2008-10-17T18:11:00.000-07:00

I hate papa john's. I really hate it. I don't like the pizza, the topping selection annoys me and the customer service sucks. "Why do I keep ordering from there?" you might ask. Basically because it's not quite as bad as dominoes and it's cheaper than pizza hut. In case you haven't noticed from my last forty posts, I. AM. CHEAP.

So because we had company coming I decided that I'd give it another try. I was tempted to order pizza hut...but, well you know...

So I looked online before we left the house to see what we wanted. I decided on "the special". Now let me also mention that I have a booster card that enables me to "buy one get one free" at papa john's. From previous experience I knew that I couldn't use the card in addition to the "special" but I also knew that they could sell me one pizza at regular price and I could get the other one free.

So we leave the house and I start my errands. About half way through I call to order the pizza. I ask about the "special" and am told that, that is an "internet special" and has to be ordered online. ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?! No they were in fact not kidding but very serious I had to order online. UGH. So while on the phone I asked about the booster card. Yes I was reassured I could use the card and get charged regular price with one free and the total would be $16.99. Okay $16.99 for two pizzas, I could handle that. I mean it's cheaper than pizza hut but probably that's because pizza hut's two main ingredients aren't CARDBOARD & CRAP.

So I hang up, drive to my office, (out of my way) and order the pizza ONLINE as instructed and then waited around for at least 20 minutes. All the while Cooper is blissfully sleeping in the car but at the dangerous point of "could wake up any time and scream for hours". Also Stephie was in the van with him, no I did not leave him alone!

After what seems like forever, I get to papa john's. I go in and a worker shuffles to the front counter. Yes shuffles. No, he is not old. He gives me the total and of course it's wrong. I explain to him that I had the booster card and I was told that I could pay full price for one and get the other for free. He grimaces like his life is over and pushes some buttons and then says "I don't think I can do that because you ordered online." "REALLY!" Then I say "well I tried my DARNDEST to order on the phone and was told that I HAD to order online." "Hmmm" he says "hang on, maybe this will work. Okay I got it to go through." "Excellent" I hissed. "$21.08." I asked "so one is $16.99, the other is free and the extra sauce is $0.49 right?" He nodded. I handed him my debit card all the while thinking that sounded too high but since my math sucks and since "math in my head" sucks even more I waited until I got my receipt.

Sure enough they had charged me $18.39 for the pizza. SIGH. The shuffler had already shuffled his way to the back to do some other duty with the basic ability of a slug. I got someone else's attention, showed them the receipt and then explained what was going on. He looked confused, looked at the register, looked at the menu board and then desperately looked around for the shuffler. Finally the non-old man slowly made his way back up to the front SERIOUSLY KID, PICK UP YOUR FEET AND PULL UP YOUR PANTS!!!

He looked at the register, looked at the menu board and said "I guess the pizza is $18.39, that's what the receipt says"...(On the menu board the price for that "special" wasn't up there...of course). "You said it was $16.99. The girl on the phone said it was $16.99". "I guess that was wrong because the register says $18.39". I just wanted to scream, "WHY ARE YOU A MORON...with two FAKE gimp legs?!?!" Then he says "hang on let me do something for you." "Finally, I thought, maybe he's going to adjust the price or give me a credit on my next visit for $2.00 or SOMETHING". Instead he shuffled (I kid you not), to the other register and printed me out another receipt. WHAT?! How in the FLOCK does that help in the least?! I already have a receipt, it has the wrong total on it.

So I gave up, defeated. I took my overcharged, cold cardboard and crap and went home with it. I was tired. I was hungry. I let them win.

I will give papa john's props for one thing. I do like how they push condiments. I love condiments and have been dipping my pizza in marinara or ranch since before it was cool. And if you're a condiment lover like me or a fat kid, as much as you hate to admit it you have to admire a place that will ENCOURAGE you and persuade you to dip pizza (probably the greasiest, fattiest food known to man) into a small container of pure butter.

Do you even know where THAT goes?!

2008-10-16T10:57:00.000-07:00

(a post from yesterday)

As I sit here and write this I feel like a CRAP-A-DOODLE. In case you aren't familiar with that term it technically means "feeling really crappy and probably on the brink of death".

Even though I'm pretty sure it's fairy warm outside I have my office heater on because I'm chilling. I can barely open my eyes because my head hurts and ears are popping and my throat sucks really bad. Also my back hurts, my legs and feet are throbbing and my uterus is trying to single handedly kill me. Now if that doesn't define CRAP-A-DOODLE I don't know what would.

The first symptoms were my back and uterus so I blamed my period. (Which I now don't feel is completely at fault although it surely isn't helping). Next my head, eyes and ears exploded, to which I attributed to the fact that I lost my contacts this morning and was wearing my sucky glasses. Later I got more contacts, head still exploding. Then I figured that Craig had conveniently passed his germs to me since he went to the doctor today to find out he doesn't have strep, but some type of virus. Now with my legs, feet and the chilling I'm wondering if maybe it's not my very own version of the flu...

Yuck.

I very rarely get sick so when I do I guess I'm kind of a whiner. Okay I know I'm very much a whiner. But anyway, so Craig was at walmart getting his meds and I asked him if he would pick me up a box of tampons. All the while I've been complaining of how bad I feel and the fact that everything hurts and useful trivia like that. So Craig finds the specific box that I want and I ask how much it is. "$4.57." "WHAT?! For a tiny box like that?!" Craig is now fumbling through all the tampon boxes making sure he hasn't accidentally picked up the size labeled "GIANT ECONOMY, WILL LAST UNTIL MENOPAUSE". "I'm sorry, that's the smallest box they have." "UUUhghhghgh, I moan, just never mind I know I have a coupon at home I'll wait until I have that with me." "But baby if you're hurting like that you need these NOW!" "What?" "You need these now because you're hurting so bad." "What?"

At this point I'm really confused because what does he think tampons do? They're not some kind of miracle drug guaranteed to cure all that ails you...a necessity sure, but by no means "just what I need to feel better". Because he is obviously (even if in his "man innocence") trying to be nice and do me a favor I let all this go and just tell him to go ahead and chop off his arm and let them know I'll be there later to give them my leg.

Now that I've lost all faith in my husband's knowledge of tampons, I have to ask myself, "does he even know where they go?"

Do you want to be raised by Wolves? (scratch that) CATS?!

2008-10-15T07:05:00.000-07:00

Cooper-

You're my sweet little boy except in the morning time and then you're mommy's little terror...you wake up in an awesome mood, cooing, talking, kicking your legs, then we change your diaper and you're smiling and basically melting my heart. Then comes the really traumatic part...the part where I can't hold you or give you my absolute undivided attention because I must get ready myself...this baffles you and you feel that the only reasonable thing to do is SCREAM. AND SCREAM. AND YELL. And then scream a little more for good measure just in case I didn't hear you right.

So I'm running back and forth from the bathroom to the living room half naked, dangling toys in front of you, handing you paci's, all the while keeping an eye on our GLASS DOOR to make sure no meter readers or door to door salesmen or neighbors stop by because, um, did I mention that I'm naked? And you're all like "I. Hate. This. Toy. I want it to die!" And I'm like Cooper, look it's your penguin, yay for penguins, you LOVE your penguin!" And you're like "AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRTGGGGGGGGGGGGGGJHJHJHJHJHJHJHH"

I bought you a JUMPEROO!!! in hopes that it would occupy you long enough in the morning time so that I could get ready without the chaos. Your JUMPEROO!!! that you love in the afternoon you HATE in the morning! You hate that JUMPEROO!!! You angrily slam the toys and scream to drown out the jungle sounds and you ultimately refuse to jump.

It's not as if I require a lot of time getting ready. Have you seen me lately? I take my showers at night (when I'm lucky) and when I don't I usually go without because, well that's just my lot in life. To be stinky... Anyway I'm not into hair and makeup. My face is naked and my hair I usually just pull up so basically we're talking bare minimum, I just need time to brush my teeth, put contacts in and cloth my body. And even if that only takes ten minutes it's too long when someone is SCREAMING until he's choking and then I have to take time to run out NAKED! and see about you and make sure that you keep breathing even though I feel that sometimes you just want to stop because your life is so very horrible.

So this is our routine. You keep on screaming while I pack the diaper bag. Even if I pick you up at this point you don't care, nothing can console you, NOTHING. Then we walk outside. Instant silence. You look around, you smile, you're all like "the world is good again! I want to live, I want to be part of this magnificent place where the air smells good and the sun is shinning and we live amongst hundreds of those kitty cat things..."

It's like magic. It's incredible. At first I'm always like, "wait, have I gone deaf", but no NO, you're actually happy! You're in the great outdoors and this is wonderful and amazing and you're back to mommy's sweet boy giving me smiles and "talking" and letting me know that you forgive me and you love me again...

So tomorrow's routine is going to involve me setting you outside in your carseat while I get ready. I could still keep an eye on you through the glass door...basically I think that the cats would do a really good job raising you...

I love you!
love,
mommy
<><><><

Top ten things that have kept me from working this fine monday...

2008-10-13T13:48:00.000-07:00

Number 10: fantasizing about food...

Number 9: random text messages to becca involving ear candles, lesbians, and a certain person's head exploding

Number 8: things like http://www.dooce.com/ and http://www.abdpbt.com/

Number 7: thinking about whether you are still reading this or maybe if you used my links and now are caught up in another blogger's world, thus forgetting all about me...

Number 6: wondering why I don't use words like THUS more often...

Number 5: text messaging to ask if cooper is still breathing...a question that i ask more often than 5000 times a day...

Number 4: counting down the days until Christmas...there's 72

Number 3: squinting and blinking because my contacts are way too old and im too cheap to go back to the eye doctor...

Number 2: making other random lists like "what i need to buy at walmart" or "what i need to clean at my house" or "ways to take over the world"...wait....forget i said that...

and the NUMBER 1 REASON I'VE DONE NOTHING TODAY IS: i am the most FANTASTICAL, amazing WONDEROUS procrastinator you'll ever meet...but i'm fun..does that count?

Random Wonderings of my Brain on a Monday

2008-10-13T07:11:00.000-07:00

-ok so like 2 months until Christmas!

-i wish cooper would just get teeth already so he doesnt have to run a fever and scare the crap out of me

-anytime it rains i always wish i was in construction so i could stay home and sleep

-i've been guilty of wishing for a handicap when i cant find a parking spot

-i could eat a hot dog every day

-i could eat spaghetti every day

-i could eat tacos every day

-i DID eat spaghetti everyday when i was preggo with coop

-i hate math

-craig hates math

-angela hates math

-becca and gretchen hate spanish

-sometimes i really really hate my job

-i have adorable cats...sometimes...

-3 cats is the perfect number

-im still waiting on that kitty farm

-DID I MENTION THAT CHRISTMAS IS 2 MONTHS AWAY?!

-Thanksgiving is bound to be FIASCO-filled

-why must my family (or is it just me?), (or is it just craig's family?) NO its definitely all of us, why must we all thrive on FIASCO?

-why is it a year later and i still dont have a car?

-why is it that i have absolutely no ambition about some things?

-i really want to have a fall extravaganza bananza-is it too late to plan it?

-i could eat tastefully simple every day.

-did i mention that i could eat spaghetti every day?

-i had spaghetti last night...i was going to bring it for lunch...then i forgot...FRICK!

-i could eat bacon every day...

-MY GOSH, IM HUNGRY

-i should try bacon in tacos...OR bacon on spaghetti...yummmmm

It Just Doesn't Make Good Sense...

2008-10-08T11:41:00.000-07:00

I received an email from a company which I had ordered checks from the last time we were out. Since we are currently out of checks again I actually opened the email to see if they were having a great internet sale...no. As it turns out IF I was a new customer I could get my 2nd box of checks for only $0.10 but since I am a recurring customer my 2nd box of checks would be a hefty $10.95! SERIOUSLY?! It's like I'm being punished for being a repeat customer...it's like the stores that give you the card with punchouts and everytime you visit you get a punchout and after you fill up your card you get a prize, except their way of rewarding you is asking you bend over so they can simultaneously kick you and post a "sucker" sign on your back...REALLY?!

So this prompted me to look for another online site to order checks from and low and behold they were having a "new customer" sale too and since I'm a new customer to them that's where I'll be ordering checks from and I'm guessing it's safe to say that from now on until the ends of our lives I will use a different check company every single time we run out of checks...

I Think I Want To Live On a Kitty Farm

2008-10-08T09:54:00.000-07:00

I got the idea from Beth and I decided that yes, I too want to live on a kitty farm. I have plenty of available land where I live, I mean I can't think of anything that would make my grandma (who's land is previously was) or my dad (who's land it technically is) prouder than if I rounded up hundreds of stray cats and put them there...yeah that was sarcasm...BUT my MOM (who's land it also technically is) would like it...I think...

Craig was disgruntled at Studley Dudley the other day when his tiny claws penetrated our couch. In his exasperated mood he declared that "of course I don't care if the cats destroy every material thing that we own because if it was up to me I would have 75 cats". Nothing could be closer to the truth.

I feel that cats are sometimes overlooked as tossed to the side, treated not as important as *dogs*...now don't get me wrong, dogs are okay, I don't think I've ever met an animal I actually don't like but cats have got to be my favorite. And I know there are others like me. Now all I have to do is round these people up and we can start making plans...

I have a vision: a wildlife sanctuary made up entirely of cats. With trees and treats and jingly balls and the catnip will grow wild and the milk and honey will flow freely...

Text Conversation between Becca and Me, just now

2008-10-07T12:46:00.000-07:00

Becca's Location: apparently on the football field after school

My Location: alone at my desk (like usual)

Becca: -sigh-theyre practicin for homecoming. homecoming girls are so stupid.

Me: that wasnt very nice but it was very random and for that i appreciated it...

Becca: yeah well sometimes the truth hurts. and sometimes random truth hurts even worse.

Me: that made me lol and then snort at my desk

The Ability to Counterfeit Free Cat Litter Coupons at my fingertips...

2008-10-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

Because I am so very cheap I look for online deals to sign up for various free things. One thing that I was particularly excited about was a free bag of purina cat litter. (a value up to $6.99) Woo hoo! So I filled out the form and the purina company sent me in the REGULAR MAIL a paper coupon to go redeem my prize...I was giddy with the excitement of free stuff and I was drunk on the sense of ABSOLUTE CHEAPNESS and the possibility of actually saving almost $7.00...

So I headed to walmart (yuck!). They did not carry this type of cat litter. It's okay, I consoled myself, this just meant I got to stick the coupon in my COUPON BINDER in the FREE section...I could feel myself getting excited again...

We (me, mom, cooper, angela and the most reluctant becca and her friend, heather) trekked to Ingles to scour for deals and freebies and more money saving...I found the litter-YES!!! Muwahaha! When we reached the checkout and the lowly cashier boy scanned my items and told me my total I smugly handed him my coupon which he looked at, turned over, starred at and finally called a manager...aughhhh...she handed the coupon back. (In a most nasal voice): 'I'm sorry but we don't accept internet coupons for free items." "It's not an internet coupon." She looked at it again, "looks like it and we don't take internet coupons for free items." "Ummm okay well do you take manufacturers coupons because that's what it is! The manufacturer send it to me in the MAIL." "Ma'am we cannot accept this." WHAT THE FRICK?!

Okay this coupon was literally burning a hole in my binder. Every time I opened the binder there it would be, taunting me, like saying, "I'm worth almost seven whole dollars but for some reason fate is against you and it's not meant to be and I'll just sit here and expire in this forsake binder and it will be like the evil grocery store managers won yet again!" I was determined, "No little coupon. No freebie coupon should ever die a lonely life in a binder. It should get to play out it's part in destiny and get cashed in for free product...it needs to fulfill it's purpose."

I went to J&J. I found the litter. I tentatively walked to the counter. Carefully not making eye contact with the cashier I handed her the coupon. Out of the corner of my eye I could see her biting her lip and starring hard at the coupon. Finally she looked at me. "I don't think I can take internet coupons." "It's not an internet coupon! If you can't take it fine but I swear to you the manufacturer sent it to me in the mail!" A man was working beside her. He looked at it. You can take that. "Are you sure?" she asked uncertainly. He nodded. Then she happened to flip it over and I could see the tension leave her face, "Oh look it has the security backing, now I know it's valid."

If only I had noticed before my Ingle's trek that the back of the coupon was covered in (I don't know the official name) but like water mark things that say "purina" diagonally across it then I would have most definitely pointed this out to all those who deemed me a liar and then I would have pointed out that if that coupon had indeed come from the internet and if I did in fact have a printer with the capability of creating security backed paper AND IF I had the ability to forge such document I can assure you that I would spend my time counterfeiting money NOT falsifying fake cat litter coupons...

Apparently we're all going to die...

2008-10-06T11:27:00.000-07:00

I just found out that my poppop, (who's 69 and just spent 3 weeks in the hospital and has a permanent indwelling catheter and cane OH and did i mention alzheimers...) yeah that one, he's on his way to go buy a MOTORCYCLE...my response was...SERIOUSLY?! REALLY?! I had to take off from work to help you get from your chair to the car so that you could go to the hospital and YOU THINK YOU CAN SAFELY RIDE A MOTORCYCLE?!

Some of my favorite responses to this newest fiasco have been:
mom (while talking to me): "Just be careful on the road today...be very very careful..."
uncle mark: "What the #$%* does he think he's going to do with a motorcycle?!"
AND THE BEST ONE YET:
angela: "PROBABLY THERE'S A REASON THAT MOTORCYCLES DON'T COME WITH A PLACE TO HOLD YOUR CANE..."

Everyone say an extra prayer today...

~shannon

since Angela says I'm a control freak...

2008-10-05T20:24:00.001-07:00

I guess I can go ahead and share some of the other bizarre things that bother me...while texting or on the computer why must people do this:
-KEWL
-SK8ER
-L8ER
-NO (for know)
-DUNNO (don't know)
-DUM (yes you are)
-GIRLZ
-BOYZ
okay that's all for now...but L8ER iLl holla @ u boyz n girlz 2tell u whatz up and other things that annoy me and basically what yer DOIN wrong N gen'ral...k?

Straight From My Husband's Lips:

2008-10-05T20:03:00.001-07:00

As we left church and passed the gas station he looks over and without cracking a smile, as absolutely serious as I've ever seen him he goes "I'm so glad gas is $4.00 a gallon...I just can't think of anything else I'd rather spend my money on".

Then he just waited until I finally laughed out loud and said "you are kidding, right?"

He never answered and that makes me go "hhmmmm".

Hemorrhoids and Hernias

2008-10-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

For some reason I always confuse the two in my mind and whenever someone is talking about either for some reason I'm always picturing the other one...

How's that for random blogging...

Something in Common with Conan

2008-10-01T14:47:00.000-07:00

well we finally reached triple digits...WOO HOO. some bloggers (like heather armstrong at http://www.dooce.com/ ) get thousands of hits a day and it takes me a half a month to reach 100...

I feel like conan o'brien, how he always says only like 10 people are watching his show...that's me. Except instead of the late late show its the show after that...you know the one where its like 3:30 am and they're selling something and you're like "why the crap am I watching this" and then you realize that it's because the remote is all the way across the room where you threw it at the cat for climbing up the wall and you think "well probably I'm not going to use this $599.99 upper body workout machine because it's 3:30 and so far I've been to lazy to get up and go to bed"...oh my bad that's actually an INFO-MERCIAL...but that's what I am.

I am the INFO-MERCIAL of blogs...

Maybe I'm just a CONTROL FREAK...

2008-10-01T14:16:00.000-07:00

But seriously HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU IT'S CHEAPER?

If I hear Craig order a mighty kid's cheeseburger meal one more time I am seriously going to loose it. Over and over again I have pointed out that it's cheaper to order a double cheeseburger, small fry and small drink and still have more food than the freakin fake "happy meal".

First of all happy meals haven't been "happy" since they took away the cardboard box and replaced it with a suck filled, environmentally friendly, paper bag. Secondly with the frick is up with "mighty kids". It's like, "KIDS, KIDS, HAPPY MEALS AREN'T BAD ENOUGH FOR YOU, BE A MIGHTY KID!" (A mighty fat kid). Not that I was a healthy kid, heck when I was four I was ordering BIG-MACS and there's nothing wrong with that but it pisses me off when my 35 year old husband pays over $4.00 for a $3.00 meal just to have it come in a bag that says "I'm a Mighty Kid"...

IMPENDING DEATH

2008-10-01T11:40:00.000-07:00

I just finished a lunch of VERY questionable spaghetti...I know I made it sometime last week but I'm not sure of the exact date...I'm hoping it was Thursday, I feel that would give me the best chance at not getting food poisoning and dying...

I went home at lunch because even though I thought I had taken back everything to walmart that needed to be taken back I later found about five large things that need to be returned and the money go towards Cooper's JUMPEROO fund! YAY FOR JUMPEROOS!

Anyway so I go home to collect the things which I'm hoping I can talk my sister into returning for me (since I've apparently used up all my good graces with walmart), however she'll probably bulk since things like that "embarrass her". I'm like "seriously?! I used to drag you around when you were little and you would be all barefoot and tangled hair and chocolate all over your face but STILL when you asked I took you into the store with me so I don't want to hear how returning something can embarrass you because BASICALLY when we get down to it you owe me".

So I get the stuff up and put it in a rubbermade container then I go scouring for food. We have...nothing. It's times like these that I kind of miss living at home; when you looked the fridge and there was no food and then sometimes miraculously when you looked an hour later someone had went to the store and fairies had filled your home with yummable snacks. I still do that except when I look an hour later there are no fairies and no snacks. Only Mercy trying to climb INTO the fridge. And I'm like "look it would do you no good, obviously there is no food".

But I found this spaghetti and I thought I'd give it a chance so I dished some on a plate and covered it with saran (apparently not very efficiently) and stuck the plate on top of the returnables in the container. It seemed like a good plan. It was the best way to carry everything and not have to make two trips...CURSE MY LAZINESS!

While heading out the door I notice the spaghetti has made an unfortunate slide toward the side of the plate and is leaking out into the returnables container...FRICK...FRICK...FRICK...I feel that this really may be the PICKLE ON THE GIANT CRAP SANDWICH that is my day. So now I can just picture walmart's customer service, not only are they going to be PISSED that I'm returning more stuff (albeit under an alias) but now half of the stuff is covered in a questionable brown stain...and probably because I'm kooky like that when they're like "what happened to munchkin brand sanitizer and these unopened pack of pull ups and what the FRICK is all over that lamp box, probably I'm going to go: UM smells like spaghetti...but I can assure you it's not poo...and they're going to be all like "yeah for the LAST TIME TAKE YOUR CRAP BACK, WE DON'T WANT IT, NOR ARE WE GIVING YOU CREDIT. One more time and we're officially banning you from the store". And then I'd be like "yeah you know what, it was poo, IT WAS POO, YOU TOUCHED POO!" Then I'd be escorted out by security.

So maybe I'll just skip walmart tonight and instead wait on the food poisoning that may or may not kill me.

Best Day Ever...

2008-09-30T06:20:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was September 29th, mine and Craig's 6th anniversary! Anniversaries have always been kind of random for us. Some anniversaries we've spent on wonderful cruises in exotic places and some anniversaries have been rock bottom like the year I broke my sternum a couple days before and I spend the day on the couch, on pain killers, and we ordered chinese delivery but the chinese girl thought our driveway went AROUND our house and she got her car stuck in the woods and my daddy yelled at her...yeah, that year we were really scrapping the bottom of the barrell...but regardless I always look forward to our anniversary even though we haven't always
had the best of luck.

This year was the first year that it seems like neither one of us put forth much effort. We had agreed not to get presents, that we would spend that money going out to eat and a movie, maybe this weekend. Craig had originally taken off but then we realized that Cooper had a doctor's appointment for vaccines (aka: tiny doses of death, see next post to follow...) and Craig had an algebra test in his night class SO he decided to just go to work. And I went to work. Then I picked up Cooper and let his mean aunt Tru-ey poke him FOUR times! Then Cooper and me just hung out at home. He was cranky and miserable and just wanted to be held which was fine with me so I sat on the couch and cuddled him for hours. We watched grey's anatomy on the computer then took a nap. Craig got home at about 9:30 and he took over Cooper duty, holding, playing, walking around so he didn't scream. I cooked hamburger helper and then we proceeded to have the BEST ANNIVERSARY EVER!

We sat on the couch, Cooper in between us and we took turns eating and feeding Cooper Doup. We feasted on hamburger helper and left over chips from Moe's and we watched a whole lot of Tina Fey. We watched her parody of Sarah Palin, which I want to go on record for saying I called the whole Tina/Sarah uncanny resemblence long before the nation caught on. I have the text message I sent out to prove it!

Sometime after midnight with Cooper in my arms and cuddled with Craig on the couch and tummy full of simple but GOOD food and two episodes of 30 Rock later I realized, this was exactly what I had dreamed about since I was a little girl. Wonderful husband, beautiful baby boy, house full of cats, a food that involves hamburger, noodles and cheese, funniest show ever...God is amazingly good! Reality hit me like a brick wall, that I love my life! What more could I ever ask for? So I reached over and kissed Craig and declared this the Very Best Anniversary Ever! Then I told him the only way he could ever out do himself next year is to make it happen on a cruise... : )

<><><><
shannon

FIREPROOF!!!

2008-09-26T10:07:00.000-07:00

Never leave your partner behind...

Augh, finally the day I've been waiting on has arrived, the day Fireproof comes out! Kirk Cameron is Caleb Holt, firechief in what promises to be my new favorite movie! Did you see Facing the Giants? If not, go watch it right now! It is an absolutely amazing movie. There are no "stars", no "billion dollar budget" and I'm pretty sure it was all shot on location BUT it's story line, heart wrenching moments and absolute feeling of victory it will leave with you more than makes up for it's "budget quality". It starts a little slow but once you're into it, you're into and if you stick with it, you won't be disappointed!

Well Fireproof is coming from the same creators of Facing the Giants and OH MY GOSH the trailer blows me away! I've probably watched it a dozen times! I have what some might call OCD tendencies...

So pretty much I've looked forward to this movie since I first heard it was coming out and I even put on my day calendar "DATE WITH COOPER AND CRAIG TO SEE FIREPROOF", however at the beginning of the week I forgot what today was and Craig said he was going to help his mom move some things for her and so I stupidly volunteered to work tonight instead of Wednesday...UGH! Now Craig isn't going to help his mom because of the gas fiasco and we could have had the most awesome date ever (with Cooper too) BUT I had already signed up to work, FRICK!

So I checked the movie listings and it's not even playing in Dawsonville which means we would have to go all the way to Gainesville or Cumming and the latest it plays tonight is 9:45 so probably we wouldn't make it after I get off...and plus I would be smelling like a hamburger which probably doesn't say "greatest date ever"...But you better believe I will be there tomorrow! Maybe I'll go to a matinee and then go again tomorrow night. Seriously I'm obsessed...

So if you're off tonight and if you have no plans, (even if you do have plans, cancel them) and go see my movie! Do it for me.

Watch the trailer: http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/

Be amazed! If you don't get chills from this trailer...well...I'm just not sure we can be friends anymore...

Love,
Shannon
<><><><

Part Train Wreck, Part Pure Brilliant

2008-09-24T18:34:00.000-07:00

David Blaine. I feel like that's what he is. Part of what he does is so completely stupid, horrifically pointless and so entirely parallel to a train wreck that I feel I must spend hours of my life that I'll never again get back watching him do things like live under water or hang upside down for days BUT then there's a tiny part of me that says, "dang, he's a genius!" I mean he comes up with outrageous stunts and then convinces millions of people including a major network to watch him. And I'm not sure who exactly pays him to do these things but I'm guessing someone does because you never hear about him missing work or using up all his sick days doing things like...hanging upside down for a week.

As we were watching the beginning of his newest adventure I kept having to walk over to Cooper and say "no, don't put the blanket over your head" as he was yet again trying to drive me insane and Craig was like, "hey, we have another David Blaine in the making! Look at him over there with his death defying breathing through the blanket stunt". So now, David Blaine's mom, I know how you feel!

White Trash is in the air...

2008-09-23T12:06:00.000-07:00

Fall is my favorite time of year. Well...no actually Christmas is my very favorite time but fall kind of leads up to Christmas so it's almost as good because the anticipation of anything is usually better than what you've actually been waiting for...except when it's a baby and in that case the outcome is WAY WAY better than the waiting...

I think the word I'm looking for is ANYWAY...so I love fall! The weather is perfect, the air smells different, there are festivals and extravaganzas and caramel apples and bon fires and you know you're getting close to the holidays and OH MY GOSH it's just awesome!

Fall just makes you want to get outside! You want to do things like play football and rake leaves and drink hot chocolate on the porch...and apparently it makes some people want to shoot snakes...

I went over to trudy and ricky's house and this is what met me in the yard:

-trudy, ricky, gretchen and josh were huddled in a group inspecting something...it turned out it was gun...

-they had backed their truck up and were using the tail gate to hold beverages and bug spray...

-also the truck radio was playing...not just any station but a NASCAR RACE...

-they were target shooting in preparation for shooting snakes...something I recently found out my aunt is talented enough to do without leaving her porch...

-after careful deliberation it was decided that the target wasn't visible enough so trudy went and retrieved a huge piece of neon yellow poster board that had a large "YARD SALE" written on it that was left over from their latest selling endeavor...

-they then proceeded to shoot at the YARD SALE sign...

So to recap, truck radio, nascar race, target shooting...for snakes...with a YARD SALE sign...

I love fall!

Cooper 4 Months!

2008-09-23T07:11:00.000-07:00

My sweet baby is turning into a sweet little boy!

Oh my gosh, at the changes I've noticed in just the last few weeks! You've always been good at holding your head up but now it's official, you need no help! We can for the most part carry you on our hip now which just makes you seem even more grownie!

You can hold on to toys and you reach for things now. You love books and you've started to show interest in a stuffed penguin! You reach for it and then grab it with both hands and then try to eat it's beak! You are completely adorable!

You used to have a cute little cry but as of late you've replaced that with sheer screaming...it's still pretty amusing...you're not crying at all, just mad and letting us know it!

Lately you've really been noticing your kitty cats...mostly to grab their fur and hold on tight. Poor little Dudley just keeps coming back for more. He wants to lay right beside you all the time and even when you reach over and grab handfuls of fur or when you take your tiny feet and kick as hard as you can, well, he just purs and keeps on laying there snuggled up against his tiny Coop!

We love you so much. At times it's almost overwhelming...

You love bath time! You get this excited look on your face and you just smile and smile when we put you in the water. It's really going to be great when you can sit up so that I can teach you to splash and play with your rubber ducky and all kinds of bath toys! Your gran and grandpa frosty and aunt bec bought you a huge rubber ducky blow up bath tub! You love it! Just think, in a few summers you'll be old enough to swimming in aunt trudy and uncle ricky's pool! How fun that will be!

It's hard to remember those first few days and even weeks now. They seem like an eternity away...And even though people say "they grow up too fast" I'm loving watching you grow! You are so much more fun now than even a month ago! I love it when you learn new things or make new noises or just anything that you do!

Your gran reminded me that 2 days ago was a year to the day that we found out about you...a whole year ago we had just found out about your existence! And now look at you! You laugh and play and babble and smile and coo and are completely amazing! This time last year your daddy and me were still in shock to hear that you were on your way but now we couldn't live without you! It's as if you've been a part of our lives forever...we were always meant to be a family! God used you to complete us!

Your mommy loves you, your daddy loves you and God loves you!

love you Cooper Man!
<><><><
your mommy

SOYBEANS AND DRANO SHOULD NEVER BE COMBINED

2008-09-22T14:28:00.001-07:00

A quick rant for the road. I know I'm behind on blogs and believe me it's not for lack of having something to say. I have several in mind (for example 'A Death in the South' and 'A Little White Trash in the Air'-and yes, trudy, ricky, gretchen and josh this one is about you), and I promise to try and get caught up tonight BUT I thought I'd give you a sampling of how I'm feeling right now.

I used my afternoon break to go to walmart and pick up some baby formula. Something I'm already absolutely freaking out about because of china and melatomine (or whatever) and the fact that the more I research it the more crazy my brain gets and now apparently the soy formula I've been giving Cooper is trying to kill him according to the web...

So anyway I go in and after what seems like agonizing hours on the baby aisle I finally pick enfamil a.r. lipil, formulated especially for babies who spit up frequently but not made with (now considered) EVIL soy beans...this may or may not work. I'm truthfully leaning more toward the 'may not' because it's milk based and so far we've yet to come up with a milk based formula that Cooper will tolerate and DARN the soy beans for ruining my already crazed life. Gah it makes me want to go run soy beans over with my car and then set them ablaze...

BUT back to the current rant, so I pick out a can of what is no longer considered baby formula but that I now lovingly refer to as "a can of teetering on the edge of good nutrition to thrive upon and potentially dangerous ingredients that WILL kill you". I go to check out and the clerk puts the above mentioned can in the same bag with my Drano...SERIOUSLY?! FOR REAL CASHIER?! PROBABLY, DO I WANT MY ALREADY QUESTIONABLE BABY MILK IN THE SAME BAG AS MY FORTIFIABLE CHEMICAL THAT IS GUARANTEED TO EAT THROUGH DRAIN SLUDGE IN LESS THAN AN HOUR?!?!?!?!

PROBABLY NOT.

Mass Chaos, Sheer Pandemonium & Utter Disarray

2008-09-16T19:35:00.000-07:00

Mass Chaos, Sheer Pandemonium and Utter Disarray...that is the state of my house right now. At least that's what it feels like in my head when I'm thinking about it...then I open my eyes...NO, no i was right the first time, it wasn't in my mind it was reality...

My cats have gone crazy...LOCO...it's kind of like they suddenly developed ADHD...and I decided to medicate them with CAT NIP (aka: cat crack), then I told them they got extra points for climbing every piece of furniture in my house and racing full speed, trying to trip their humans...and probably they thought it was a good idea to meow incessantly at nothing...and jump on each other's backs and try to bite one another's heads and constantly jump on the counter and knock things off just for the heck of it...and if it happens to be a glass full of liquid WELL THAT'S A BONUS...and I don't know which furry @$$ decided they should gnaw through a box of little debbie cupcakes and take ONE BITE of each frickin one then drag the rest to various corners of my house so that I would miss one and step on it...and well the bathroom counter-that's up for grabs of course I would want them to knock all the bottles, mirror, various crap in the sink...AND OH I FORGOT the huge basket of tampons that they decided they must pick out one by one, then toss to each other their mouths, then scoot to each other with their paws and finally finish off by using their talon-like claws to rip them to shreds...

I just want to say, SERIOUSLY what is wrong with you?!

Tonight alone I have had to exile Studley Dudley to the bathroom (which I use for timeout) and all the while he's meowing LOUDLY, scratching at the door and totally freaking out. This makes Jay-Jay and Mercy stand on the other side of the door looking all concerned and scratching trying to get IN the bathroom because they hear their comrade in trouble...so...I open the door and throw them all in time out and I sit on the other side of the door listening to the drama unfolding inside...Jay-Jay running around the edge of the jacuzzi tub until she inevitably jumps in with a huge crash taking the towels on the corner with her...Mercy landing on the counter and proceeding to push every single thing into the sink...or the floor...or OH BONUS she got my deodorant IN the litter box...and then there's Dudley and he's just running around in circles ecstatic because he pitched such a fit and threw such a tantrum that he got his two sister cats landed in time out with him!

Just like the youngest to ruin it for everyone...

For those of you who said I should write a book...

2008-09-15T20:03:00.000-07:00

I couldn't agree more. I would love to quit my job and dedicate enough of my spare time, untapped brain cells and random wonderings to writing a book! And luckily I figured out a way to do it and live even more comfortably than I do now...

All I need is $5.00. Look at it as an advance. You're pre-ordering a book that will be delivered to you upon completion...guaranteed by Christmas (year 2018). So yeah...I mean doesn't that sound like a winner? Think about it as getting in on the ground floor of a new, late-breaking phenomenon called shananigans.

So...after careful calculations I only need each person to donate, UH scratch that, INVEST $5.00. And I only need about 6000 people to do this.

I installed a counter on my blogpage this afternoon to keep up with how many hits I get everyday. Not counting my own I'm up to 6 today. Six. That changes the math in the above stated equation slightly. If there are only six of you I'll need you each of you to contribute $5000.00. It's kind of the same, just higher...think of it as a bigger investment.

Hey, don't blame me, you're the one who wanted the book...

18 degres away from 100...

2008-09-14T14:57:00.000-07:00

That is the temperature in my house right now, as we speak. 82 degrees. Middle of September, 82 degrees...how RIDICULOUS is that?! Apparently our air conditioner decided to go on strike...I mean COME ON! It had three weeks, four weeks tops to keep on persevering and then we could all call it quits for one more horrendous summer in georgia. But no, it couldn't give me that could it?

Now 82 degrees may not that sound that hot...if you're my Aunt Marie, who purposely keeps her thermostat hovering at triple digits. However we keep our house at a nice cool, delightful 69 degrees. 70 if we're feeling conservative...so 82 feels like, well basically we now know what it feels like to be a cinnamon roll in the oven. Not only are we burning alive we're also getting very sticky...

Since we've already had to have the air conditioner fixed once this summer I was reluctant to spend any more money on it. Also because I am cheap and a pro-champion procrastinator I suggested to Craig that maybe we should just try to make do with fans for the rest of the summer and worry about this problem next spring.

He looked at me in disbelief and was like, "no, we need to get it fixed and get it fixed now. You're horrible to live with when you're hot." "I'm not that bad..." I just...I don't know, I think my body already maybe runs a little hotter than the average person's. Maybe it's all my extra padding, maybe that serves as insulation. (See post on why I'm the fat kid).

So I'm like "maybe I get a little grumpy when it's hot." And Craig was like "grumpy does not begin to cover it. I'm looking for words like unbearable, inconsolable, irate...Seriously we need to get it fixed this week...I'm calling the guy tomorrow. Because if not I'm afraid you'll die. I'm afraid you'll literally die and that you'll purposely take me with you."

I don't know that the heat would actually drive me to kill but if you find us in a pile of ashes know this; we spontaneously combusted and accidentally cremated ourselves. And also it is my last wish that you, as my friend or family, must divide the ashes evenly and each wear a portion of ME in a vile around your neck. Everyday. Forever. And remember I like to stay cool...

Devil Labelers, Bitter Spinsters, and Greeters who want to end it all...

2008-09-12T07:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had to take back the last batch of baby stuff that we had gotten at the shower and couldn't use. I had put it off as long as i could and now it was time for the inevitable. I hate taking stuff back to walmart. It's a pain and a hassle and I've never had a good experience with it. Even when I do manage to accomplish taking back items without incident the people that you have to deal with are never nice. Greeters, who never seem to greet and customer service who is frankly not that 'customer' or 'service' oriented.

It used to be a simple process. You took the items in, the greeter begrudgingly gave you a yellow smiley sticker to prove that you hadn't just picked the item off the shelf...the utmost in anti-theft protection... Then you took your sticker and item to customer service and they scanned it and gave you back sweet cash in the form of a walmart gift card.

Now however they have a new system. The greeter has to take each item, scan it with a machine and print out a label/sticker thingy. This presents problems on so many levels. First of all the greeter (who wasn't too happy when all he had to do was hand you the sticker), inevitably is not sure how the machine that spits out the label/sticker thingy works. He tries scanning things different ways, he tried pushing different buttons, he tries shaking the friggin' thing...finally it laughs in computer language and gives him a sticker...except UH OH the label says "$0.00". FREAK. Now he must start all over...

I don't blame the greeters per say. In my opinion walmart as a whole is screwing the process up. I mean seriously if I was in management and looking for someone to run complicated label/sticker machinery would I pick my employees who were 85? Probably not. My grandparent's generation (God bless their old hearts) did not grow up with computers. In fact I'd bet its safe to say that most of that age group despises computers and wants nothing to do with them. So really, seriously walmart, why did you pick the "age advanced" group of employees to run the brand new labeler that is inevitably out to get them.

And while we're at it wouldn't greeters be the first line of defense for a shoplifter? I mean you're running out the door with your stolen 'My Name is Earl' dvd and really what is the greeter to do? Run after you? Knock you down? Trip you with their cane perhaps? I don't know, maybe walmart has given this more thought than I'm giving them credit for. Maybe one of the handicapped electric wheelchairs is actually equipped with James Bond type accessories that the greeter can turn on and then he would have a fighting chance...I mean basically you don't want to get over by one of those electric carts...it hurts.

Now in the greeter's defense I had a crap-load of stuff to return. Because it is such a very big hassle I had put it off and just kept putting things Cooper couldn't use or had grown too big for in one rubbermaid container. So there was like a thousand little things... The greeter looked in the tub, looked and me and *sighed*. I felt kind of bad for the old guy...

We started the long process of going through each item. I would pick it up (so he didn't have to bend over), he would scan/push/shake until it gave him a sticky label and then we'd start all over with something else. Meanwhile Cooper was starting to freak out. He was looking around warily like why am I in a cart and not moving? Who is this old guy and why does he have a crazy look in his eyes like he wants to run his electric cart right through the customer service desk and end it all? And why do strange people keep stopping to stare at me and ask how old that "little girl" is? (I swear Cooper, I'll never dress you in the green onesie with stars again. I thought it was metro but I guess not).

Maybe it was because Cooper was fussy. Maybe it was because of the sheer volume of playtex nipples that i was returning or maybe it was just that he gave up and decided no job was worth this, but whatever the reason he finally said the devil labeler had "quit" and he would just explain to customer service why half of my items weren't marked.

We made our way to customer service. Ugh, "customer disservice". Methodically she started scanning the items with her gun zapper all the while muttering about how she hates baby showers and the fact that half of the crap always gets returned and makes her job harder, blah blah, service with a smile, blah. And I wanted to say "look I'm sorry I'm inconveniencing you by asking you to do your job but I'm not going to keep a thousand vent air nipples when I'm clearing using playtex drop ins"...not that she would know what any of this meant because I'm pretty sure by her attitude she must have been a bitter spinster...

One of the items wouldn't scan. "Oh sorry, I said apologetically, that may have come from another store, these were gifts so I wasn't sure." She answered with "probably the dollar store". "Okaaay" I thought, that was weird. Then something else wouldn't scan. She handed it back, "this came from the dollar store too". What? Seriously? Finally after about 400 things that scanned correctly we were on the last item. It wouldn't scan. She looked at me and said, "this definitely looks like it came from the dollar store". Okay I have nothing against the dollar store, I love it, I do! But ALL of my baby shower gifts did not come from the dollar store and I thought that was a really, really crappy way of trying to insult someone. I mean seriously walmart girl, are you insulting me from getting a present from the dollar store? You scan things for a living. Are we really that different?! I think not.

After she handed me my giftcard she proceeded to say what sounded like "I have 2 returns left on my social security number". I had heard about this happening. It happened to my aunt. Apparently after you return so many things to walmart then they ban you and you aren't allowed to return anything else...Oh darn, I guess I'm on my way to being black listed from walmart's customer service...

For this I say, I'll just take my business to the dollar store.

DEEP SH!T

2008-09-11T06:54:00.000-07:00

Do you ever find yourself knee deep in sh!t? Literally?

I have neglected to buy trash bags for the last three days that we have been out. I don't know why, I'm just stupid like that. Anyway the litter boxes could not wait any longer. It was time. They needed to be dumped. So I thought I could improvise with a target bag. It seemed bigger and sturdier than a walmart bag...and this theory may have just panned out if the bag hadn't of been full of holes that I did not notice...

So I set the litter box up on the toilet, wrap the bag around it and start to pour...I feel something hitting my feet but because I'm slow I guess and I don't realize what it is until I pour the whole freakin box out...yeah it was dirty cat litter that was slowly encasing my legs...

I looked down. It was like when you see little kids at the beach and they cover their feet and legs up with sand and say they're the little mermaid...except instead of the beach it was my bathroom...and instead of sand it was a pile of crap...

I shouted a few obscenities. I happened to be on the phone with Angela at the time and she was making fun of me. Craig was in the living room and he was making fun of me too. Somehow in the confusion Craig (ever helpful), asked if I needed his help. Apparently I said, "yes" but was actually talking to Angela and whatever snide remark she had just made. So he tentatively makes his way into the bathroom only to stand in the corner and angrily mutter under his breath about "cat crap everywhere" and "no trash bags for a week" and "blah blah blah blah freakin blah blah blah" and I'm like "seriously? Why are you here? Why are you in the bathroom looking at me?" And he's like "when I asked you if you needed help you said yes". And I'm like "okay well I was talking to Angela and no I don't need any help" and he was like "are you sure, because I could help". And I'm thinking, "really?! Because right now you're being about as helpful as a zebra...with no paws..."

So then i had to try and sweep all the litter/cat crap up and try and stuff it all into one of Cooper's diaper pail bags which are all of 6"x 6", I mean seriously they're tiny, they belong in a miniature doll house...

And all the while all three cats are encircling my legs like "oh boy, wow, i guess now the whole bathroom is just one gigantic litter box, how cool is that!" And I'm going "really?! Are all three of you having a bathroom emergency right now? Right this second? Are you all so desperate for the box that you have to patrol around my feet waiting, just waiting for the gloriousness of litter scattered abroad, more than your tiny cat hearts could ever even imagine?!"

So i finally cleaned all the litter up. I finally managed to encase it in several tiny bags and get them closed without incident. At last my bathroom didn't look like a giant sandbox and smell like a county dump. Then I go to fill up the clean litter box with clean litter and would you believe we were out?! There was enough to put about an 1/8" in the bottom of the box. I set it down and all the cats looked at me as if to say "we kind of liked it better when we were knee deep in sh!t..."

Cooper, seriously, are you trying to kill your mommy?

2008-09-10T11:50:00.002-07:00

Well are you? You know your mama is a little neurotic and crazy and physco and she is constantly worried that you'll some how smother and stop breathing? I mean seriously it is her biggest fear. You know that, right?

Believe me, I'm all excited for you that you discovered your hands and now you've learned that you can take those tiny pinchers and put the death grip on something and there is no way it's ever getting away...I mean it's not that much fun when it's my arm that you've trapped with your fists of fury and then you proceed to try and make mommy bleed with your dagger claws that we call baby fingernails.

But anyway, I now know that you are perfectly capable of grabbing your blanket and pulling it all the way over your head. Yep, I saw you do it. And again. And again. And again until i finally threatened you that I would put those awful mittens on your hands and take away your new found freedom of "grasping".

You would look at daddy, look at me, grab the blanket and proceed to cover your head with it and sometimes even start stuffing it in your mouth. Daddy would laugh, you would giggle and I would freak the crap out! "No, you can not put the blanket over your head" I would say in my most stern mommy voice. You would then look at daddy again, smile and start all over...

If you want to grab something how about your feet. Other babies do that and it's super cute! And basically I don't think I'd worry that you could suffocate on your feet...so seriously you could stuff those suckers in your mouth all day long and I'd be like "hey look, Cooper's all suckin his toes again!" and I wouldn't have to shriek hysterically and say things like "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS CHILD, THAT HE'S TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF AND TAKE ME DOWN WITH HIM?!"

Your daddy already makes fun of me and said you look like you're in a straight jacket when I get you ready for bed because I swaddle you in a blanket to prevent "accidental suffocation". This was before I knew you were suicidal. Now i have to look up "how to prevent baby from eating own blanket in sleep" on the internet and find new ways to probably make you even more uncomfortable at bedtime.

When I mentioned this new found fetish of your's to Ms. Karen (your fabulous baby sitter), she non-chalantly said "oh yeah he does that over here all the time, he really likes to sleep with something over his head, i guess it makes him feel secure". WHAT?! He sleeps with stuff over his head?! Not cool! I was like "oh my gosh what about him suffocating?!" She laughed at me too. Then she proceeded to take your thin blankie and cover her mouth and nose with it and demonstrate how she could still breath...however she got distracted and said "wow that smells good, what kind of laundry detergent are you using?"

So we may have gotten a little off track and you may think I'm distracted and I'm not paying attention to your wiley ways but know this: come tonight if you so much as grab the edge of that blankie with your chubby little paws I'll crank up the heat until we feel like we're at grandma mincey's house and I'll strip you down to your diaper and see how you like being a "nakkie baby"! And while you're laying there all bored with nothing to gnaw on think about discovering your feet because...well...basically they're very munchable and not at all a choking hazard!

My New Aspiration In Life...

2008-09-10T09:56:00.000-07:00

is to be a professional blogger...seriously. i could stay home all day, play with cooper, play on the internet and not get fired for it...it sounds pretty amazing. i mean not that my job now isn't amazing...i still get to type all day...about criminals and white trash...and that's fun too...

from the archives of my life: Cooper Levi Craig

2008-09-10T09:50:00.000-07:00

~i went to the doctor on tuesday, may 20th for my 39 week check up. dr. reynolds checked me and said i was dialated to a whole 0...this was disappointing since i was hoping for at least a 7 or 8...(haha)...anyway so he wanted me to have an ultrasound to see if the baby was still head down. they did the ultrasound and he was head down and also estimated to weigh 9 1/2 lbs! WOW so anyway i met back with dr. reynolds and he said that probably the reason i was dialating was because the baby was so big he was having trouble moving down and putting pressure on my cervix making me dilate. so...he said he didnt think i was going to go into labor on my own and asked me about inducing. i was scared but ready. he told me to be at the hospital the next day at 6:30 pm! ahhh this is really happening (at that point i was a little freaked out...i mean i wanted the baby to get here but i felt like there was a ton of stuff that i needed to get done)...

~wednesday, may 21...i went to work and straightened my desk, (didnt get a whole lot done) and left early. (i need not to expect to get EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH)...so anyway i got home took a shower, packed my hospital bag (which according to everyone else i should have done weeks before)...and waited for craig...he got home and we started off to the hospital...(our last car ride as "just me and craig"...)

~i had pre-registered at the hospital so they had my stuff all ready and showed me to my suite...(okay so maybe it was just a labor and delivery room but it was NICE)!!! dr. french was there and she put in the cervadil...(not a nice feeling)...

~somewhere throughout the day i should have eaten...i had half of a chicken sandwich at one point but it was long gone and now i was hungry and stuck as a ward of the hospital and all their rules...(since i also hadnt really drank anythink the IV suckkkkked...its like all my veins had shriveled away)...so even though i had asked dr. french about eating and she had said "no food" the nurse was nice enough to call and ask again and she said "okay maybe a little food"...so...i had a zaxby's zalad AND an order of fries...

~by 8:30 i had a room full of people: craig, mom, dad, bec, angela, leann, gretchen, trudy, ricky, grandma...was that all?...oh and the occassional nurse...we all hunkered down and watched american idol...

~everyone (except craig) left sometime throughout the night when it was obvious there was to be no baby yet...

~the next morning, thursday, may 22, i got an IV started of pitocin. i had heard this started contractions fast and furious but they wernt really that bad. just an achy feeling in my back and a crampy feeling in my belly...

~i was able to get up and sit in the rocking chair for a little bit...this is when the fun really started...i felt this really weird sensation and then all of a sudden stuff started coming out of me! it was this gush of gooeyness, kind of like wetting your pants but ickier and more and it just kept coming...we called the nurse...(i went into the bathroom to change and apparently while i was in there my lovely family- i know gretchen and becca-were betting that i had just wet my pants and my water had actually NOT broken BUT the nurse checked me and it was the real deal!

~at this point im hoping that Bud will be like "hey what the heck happened to all my goo?! and start to make the magical trip down the slip n slide of my birth canal...

~i was still not dialated hardly at all, maybe like a 2 or 3.

~the nurse said i could get an epidural anytime so i went ahead and ordered one around 12:00, 12:30. (the contractions were starting to hurt more and since i knew i definitely WANTED the epidural i didnt see any point in laying there in pain...

~the epidural wasnt bad at all. not like the stories i had heard! i had the most awesome anathesiaologist (i know i spelled that wrong) ever! craig sat beside the bed in a chair and i sat on the side of the bed with my feet inbetween craig's legs facing him. the needle going in itself was nothing more than a prick and i was sitting there thinking "why do people turn this down"?!?! it hurts a lot less than the contractions and my contractions were far from being as painful as i know they would have gotten!

~so anyway with epidual in place i was bed-ridden which had its ups and downs...sucked being stuck but at the same time having someone come in and catherize you so you dont have to get up a pee every 15 minutes was a nice change...the epidural was awesome! i felt no pain but at the same time could still move my legs. (not a whole lot but enough that i could help scoot myself up in bed or change positions or even make them do butterflies so that i could prove to my nurse that i would be an efficient pusher and that i didnt need the epidural turned off...(sometimes apparently if you cant feel enough to push they turn the epidural down or off and i did not want that happening to me...)! at one point becca made fun of me because i saw this lump and i poked at it trying to figure out if it was a pillow or my leg...it turned out to be my leg...

~dr. reynolds came and checked me...i was a 3...

~also at this point i couldnt have any food, any water not even any ice chips! sucked! they did bring me a cup of ice with this sponge that people were allowed to dip in the ice and sponge over my mouth...mmmm refreshing

~oh and it sucked so bad because gretchen had brought me QUESO compliments of josh and i couldnt even eat it! i even asked the nurse if we could just dip the ice sponge in the vat of queso and dab that on my lips but apparentely thats not allowed!

~by supper time we had another house full...craig, joann, mom, dad, bec, grandma, nanny, poppop, trudy, ricky, gretchen, angela, leann and eric...i still think im forgetting someone but hopefully not...

~all the troops ordered dipper dans and ate in the waiting room...

~at one point angela had to leave...she had to go pick austin up so she said she would be back after joey got home...

~about 10 minutes later after angela left (im thinking around 8:45 pm-its kind of a blur) dr. reynolds came in to check me again and i was only dialated to a 4. not great news. ~now let me take a minute to give a shout out to dr. reynolds-he is awesome, if you need a ob/gyn it doesnt get any better than him~anyway his honest opinion was that this wasnt going to happen naturally for us...the baby's head was big, my body wasnt dialating and things just wern't adding up...he was willing to let me labor for a few more hours but he still thought i'd end up with a c-section...because i trust him completely and basically I WAS READY TO GET MY BABY! i asked when he could do the c-section...(thinking he would probably say first thing in the morning or something like that) instead he said...IN ABOUT 20 MINUTES......gosh i really do love that man but anyway...

~he went out to tell my family (aka: the mob) and my grandma told him to take care of me and he said "only the best for his ladies"

~me and craig had a few minutes alone...our last few minutes before our huge life changing event...he dressed in scrubs (which by the way he looks HOT in! yummy, im going to get him a pair of those to wear around the house...and maybe a stethoscope...WAIT where was i? oh yeah...me and craig's special moment...it was hard not to cry...not that i was sad but its just so emotional but we both did really good, i couldnt have asked for a better help-mate!

~soon people were scurrying all around. the OR team was paged and started showing up in record time, poking, proding and getting us ready.

~all of the fam came back to say goodbye (and angela who hadnt even made it all the way to cleveland when leann called her, drove to cleveland turned around and made it all the way back before i went in...can you say LAND SPEED RECORD...

~we all said our goodbyes (sounds kind of morbid...) took pictures and then they took me away (craig had to wait out in the hall for them to get to me ready (which im pretty sure consisted of them cutting me open and getting most of my body parts out of my body) BUT ANYWAY

~we got back to the OR which was cold and a little scary. my wonderful anathesiologist was right there with my head in his hands, he even said a prayer with me before they started.

~once the section actually started i was so grateful that i hadnt had even any ice chips because i was still throwing up, luckily just clear liquid but if i had drank or ate a lot it would have been baaadddd....

~i was so relieved when craig got to come back. he sat right by my head and talked to me, he is so sweet! he did awesome! he was so calm and excited all at once and i couldnt have done it without him!

~dr. schemerhorn (the anathesiologist) asked what the baby's name was and we said we wernt sure yet so he started a round of john jacob jingleheimer schmidtt except him, dr. reynolds and part of the OR team inserted their own names, so instead of being worried that part of my guts were laying On Top of my stomach i was laughing at TODD, BRANDON, GEORGEHEIMER SCHMIDTT...they were great! and not too bad singers either!

~i couldnt really feel anything during the operation but just a weird sensation...slight pulling, pushing and weird noises and i knew WHAT they were doing so that kind of freaked me out...ignorance would have been bliss...

~soon the doctor exclaimed WOW he's big! he wasnt coming out of there on his own!

~then the most amazing thing happened, dr. reynolds yelled "IT'S A BOY!" and held the prettiest, goo-covered baby boy over the curtain for us to see. he was absolutely gorgeous from the very beginning!

~they took him to the table and he cried (most awesome sound ever)!

~craig got to go watch them clean him up and assess him and they started putting me back together again. (he did sneak a peak at my insides as he passed the table and NO he did not pass out and NO he did not throw up! he said it was actually pretty cool!

~then they brought our baby boy over to let me see him before they took him to the room. i fell absolutely instantly in love!

~craig and the baby and whitney (most awesome labor and delivery nurse ever)! got to go back to the room and my family got to catch a glimpse of him as they walked by. (by this time the nurses couldnt hold them in the waiting room any longer and they had congregated all the way down the hall)!

~craig got to hang out with baby bud while he got all his first few minutes of life stuff out of the way! (eye drops, weighing, etc.)

~soon (okay it felt like an eternity but im guessing just about 20-30 minutes later) i got to go back to the room and really hold him. i was shaking because of the medicine and just held him a minute before i wanted craig to take him back, i was afraid i'd drop him!

~we had some family time, just me, craig and baby bud and then we let the troops back in to actually see him for the first time!

~everyone held him and got pictures taken. craig made sure my dad was the first to hold him which i thought was sweet!

~i was pretty zonked because of the morphine and phenegrine so the rest of the night was kind of a blur. i know everyone left but craig. the baby slept beside me in a bassinet thing so i could reach over and make sure he was still breathing!

~by the next day i was begging them to turn the morphine off. i would rather have a little pain and know whats going on then be drugged and not have a clue!

~so by friday night i was narcotics free (for the most part) i still got a shot of something, cant remember what but it didnt make me foggy so that was good!

~we didnt officially name him until saturday...he got to be baby boy sexton for awhile but finally we decided on COOPER LEVI CRAIG...craig in honor or his daddy, levi in honor of God (you can get the whole story from craig but it involves the levites and levitical preists and how they didnt need part of the land because God was their portion...), and cooper just for him!

~cooper is awesome, we couldnt ask for a better baby! i love him so completely and i love craig more now than i ever have! it is absolutely amazing and i thank God for both my boys everyday! cooper is such a blessing, its like God gave me a tiny part of heaven to keep right inside my heart...

~i'll end with this:
COOPER IS SO FRESH FROM HEAVEN HE STILL SMELLS A LITTLE LIKE GOD.

My Dirty Little Secret...

2008-09-10T09:48:00.000-07:00

I tried to pretend I wasn't that person. It took years to admit even to myself that I was who I am and even as I write this I have most people fooled...

When I was a child it was tolerated. When I was a teenager it was expected. When I got married...well that's when the true charade began...

During the first year of my marriage we lived in my nanny and poppop's basement apartment. It was small. I'm talking barely a room and a half. We had a lot of stuff. It was cluttered. It was disorganized and it was okay. We were in our honeymoon phase and it didn't matter. But still I blamed the size on "my problem". I swore to myself and my husband that as soon as we had our house built I would be better.

When we first moved in our very own house things were much like the basement apartment except larger scale. First I used the excuse of having to unpack and get around to organizing. Then later I played on the fact that I held down two jobs and was never at home. I even made comments stating the fact that if I worked normal hours like a normal person things would be different.

Things rocked on for five years without much change. Then came the day I had been waiting for. The positive pregnancy test. For some reason I thought this would change me. For some reason I thought this was the key that would turn me into the person I had been trying to convince myself and everyone around me that I could be. Wanted to be. Tried to be.

After I had Cooper I wasn't supposed to do anything. Doctor's orders. I even complained about it and said how I really wished I could be up doing something. Then after I got medically cleared...well a new baby was a lot of work...I was tired...I was stressed...I would still get there...one day...

The truth has finally hit me this week. I am who I am. I'm happy with who I am. I am a messy person. I'm not organized. Sometimes I'm late. (Okay almost always I'm late). I'm not supermom. I'm definitely not superwife. Most days I would much, much rather pick up Chinese take out and watch a movie with my husband rather than come home and cook supper. I hear about these wonderwomen who cook three meals a day, pack lunches, keep the bathroom clean and make the bed everyday. Seriously, why? If that's the lifestyle you choose I commend you but don't you ever feel like maybe you're missing out on life a little. I find joy in actually spending time with my husband and playing with my son. I don't find joy in washing dishes. We've had nights that consisted on doing nothing but sitting on the couch watching tv but we've had so much fun together they're forever logged into my memory. I've never had that kind of experience from cleaning a toilet. Yes, I know there are certain things that must be done in order to keep a house running. (And well, frankly to keep dfacs from knocking on my door and wanting to take my child away).

But seriously these people who go overboard and become so anal about not only basic cleanliness but also organization and complete order to their lives...I just don't know about...I mean where's the fun in that? With us, everyday, everything, is an adventure; Do I have clean clothes for work? Did I pack enough diapers for our trip? Did I remember to hang up the fly strips in the kitchen to catch all the gnats?

Cooper-month 3!

2008-09-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

dear cooper,

you are currently in your third month of life and OH MY GOSH you are amazing! im sorry i havent written you before now, i actually just stole the idea from a fellow blogger, heather armstrong. she writes to her little girl every month. i dont agree with or like everything that she does or writes about but i do like this idea. its probably for the best that i didn't write you before now because i am just now getting over all the hormones and changs that have typically made me crazy for the last year and the ones that made your daddy realize how very glad he is to be a man. i can't say i'm back to my old self because my "old self" didn't include you in my life and i never EVER want to go back to that again! so i guess you could say i'm back to "my old personality with a new and improved sense of what love is".

you went on your first vacation last weekend. we went to pigeon forge and you loved it! you, me, your daddy and your mema stayed in the family inn. im sorry an orange motel was your first hotel experience. basically it sucked. i promise, from now on while traveling with you i will do be best to avoid orange and pink motels! anyway the rest of the family got a cabin: your gran, aunt bec, your grandpa frosty, grandma mincey, aunt trudy, uncle ricky, gretchen, and josh. you have come to love joshy and we hope the gretchen keeps him around!

we took you to dollywood and we looked all over but you were too little to ride anything. maybe next time! i let you try sprite for the first time and you were not impressed. i also let you try ketchup and although this is a staple food of mine you decided that you hate it's existance and you spit it out all over my shirt!

someone was holding you the whole weekend. you slept in your pack n play and rode in your carseat of course but at all other times you were being held. people basically fought over you! oh my precious little one you will never know how much of a blessing you are to this family! especially me, your mama. i prayed for you and wished for you and imagined what you would be like for as long as i can remember. i still sometimes think i'm dreaming because you're so amazing! God has been indescribably good to us!

you can hold up your head now all on your own. you've been doing this for some time. you also want to sit up. laying down's for babies and you want to sit up and look around! even when we're holding you you squirm and start to do crunches to try and get yourself in sitting position! oh my goodness, you're such a strong boy!

some where between 1-2 months we aquired another kitty cat. his name is studley dudley and he was orphaned, that's the reason we got him. mercy and jay-jay love you but dudley thinks you're HIS! he wants to sleep right beside you and always wants to be right by your side.

your mom is a little neurotic but by the time you can read this you will have probably figured this out on your own. i've gotten somewhat better but i still struggle with some things. like for instance i still have to pull over almost every day while taking you to ms. karen's to check on you and make sure you're breathing but i haven't had to pull over three times all in the same trip like i used to have to do! baby steps, baby steps. i still make you sleep with the monitor that alarms if you stop breathing and even so i still reach over and feel your chest every single time i wake up at night. if anyone is holding you i have to ask every five minutes if you're breathing. most everyone makes fun of me because of this but i can't help it. i'm a little strange and over protective but you'll learn that soon enough!

i hear about other parents who put their 3 month olds to bed at 7:00 or 8:00. what?! that seems crazy to me, sometimes we've barely gotten home by that time! i keep you in the living room with us until we all go to bed! if you fall asleep you fall asleep and if you don't then we just get to play with you longer! i can't stand for you to be in a different room than me, i want you either in my lap or right beside me, i'm obsessed with you!

i have been so excited about Christmas this year. i absolutely can not wait until you get to experience the most magical, wonderous, and Holy time of year! i know the thought of magical and holy might seem to contradict each other but when speaking about Christmas they don't. i hope and pray that we can instill in you the real meaning of Christmas and portray to you God's love but at the same time let you experience the magic and wonder of santa claus that every child should experience! i can't wait!

you are completely beautiful. you are growing and in the very top percentile of your age group. you have gorgeous hair. you only cry when hungry or if something's wrong. you have the best personality ever for a baby! you are also the absolute most huggable human being on the entire earth, how blessed are we?!

your mommy loves you, your daddy loves you and more importantly God loves you! i try to remember every night to pray that when it's time you ask Jesus into your heart. i don't want this to be something you have to struggle with. i hope that it comes to you easy and you never have to doubt...i love you. forever and always. i want you to remember that you'll always be my baby and you've forever changed my life in the most amazing way!

in a couple of weeks i'll be writing you your fourth month letter. hard to believe but time if flying by! just think, this time a year ago i didn't even know you were on your way! and now look at you! there are just no words...

love you cooper douper!
~your mommy

I Guess You Could Say I'm Kind of the Fat Kid...

2008-09-10T09:38:00.000-07:00

I tried a new recipe the other night. I discovered a combination of food so incredibly scrumptious, so amazingly delicious...seriously, I’m having trouble even conveying to you how wonderful this meal was...I took lil’ smokies (cocktail sausages), and wrapped them in bacon, put them on skewers, covered them with brown sugar (lots and lots of brown sugar) and baked them. (See it could have been worse, I could have fried it all...). Even so as I thought back on this almost indescribable amount of happiness on a plate I came to a realization: I May Just Be the Fat Kid...seriously. My new favorite food is PORK wrapped in PORK, covered with SUGAR...(lots of sugar).

Giving this more thought and consideration I started to remember things from my childhood that corroborated my theory on the ‘fat kid’ thing. My mom (who is completely amazing) always made my birthday cakes as a child. At about five years old she asked me what kind of cake I wanted for my upcoming b-day. I had to and gave it serious consideration. I mean this was a big decision, it involved birthday cake, that’s down right life altering to a five year old. Finally I came up with what I wanted. I wanted a cake that looked like a BIG-MAC...yeah that’s right I was all like "hhmmm how can I make CAKE even unhealthier? Oh I know, lets make it in the likeness of something else really really bad for you! How about the cholesterol riddled, fattest hamburger known to man?! "Yeah, I thought, that’ll work." And by-goodness my mom made that big mac cake and it was awesome! It was like an exact replica of a 16" hamburger. I mean seriously it was amazing. You’ve never truly lived until you’ve eaten a big mac cake made by Lorri.

And as spectacular as that cake was, vivid in my mind even today, I have to wonder if maybe, just maybe requesting a high calorie custom concoction and having it masquerade as another artery clogging, bound to kill you soon, delicacy may just make me the fat kid. Especially since this realization comes as I’m pondering my new favorite food...which just happens to be PORK, wrapped in PORK, covered in SUGAR...lots of sugar

Pregnancy Tests, Tampons and Tree Hugging Hippies

2008-09-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

Living in a small town has it’s disadvantages. One being total lack of privacy. It’s basically impossible to keep a secret here...especially a juicy one...

Even though technically there are about four places to buy a pregnancy test in our town Walmart seems to be the lesser of evils. When you’re buying a pg test you want a certain amount of privacy. A sense of discretion. This is hard to come by in mayberry.

Walmart has a place that can only be referred to as The Wall of Shame. It contains things...private things. It starts out with mildly embarrassing things: pills for heartburn, upset stomach, tums, mylanta, things of that nature. You keep walking and you get into your diarrhea/constipation meds, you can pick up a fleet enema or if the need arises some immodium.
The closer you get to the pharmacy the more intimate the items become. Now we've reached our personal lubricants and k-y jelly inspired massage oils. After the oils you see condoms (male and the slightly brazzen/still not accepted in the south female condom).
Then there they are. Proudly displayed right at eye level: those miracle sticks that with just a few drops of pee can change your life forever.

The best thing to do is wait until at least 10:00 p.m., after the pharmacy is closed and the crowd has died down. Next hit the clothing aisle first (a must for any pg test buying adventure). Select something sufficient enough to bury and cover the test you will be buying. You see in our town if you run into someone you know at Walmart (and you will), they'll want to stop and chat. And while they ask "how yer mama-n-diddy is doin" they'll prop on your buggy and peer inside to see if there's anything interesting...a pregnancy test is definitely interesting! A pregnancy test seen by the wrong person could snowball into a disaster of epic proportion by the time you reach the parking lot.

From my last pregnancy test buying adventure, the one we got the goods on ;) I did the regular pg test protocol, I made a pass down the main aisle with my buggy and casually glanced down the Wall of Shame. Yes! It was empty! I made another pass and dashed to the section that I needed. While quickly trying to pick out which brand I felt would give me accurate results yet not cost my weight in gold, out of the corner of my eye I could see several people make the main aisle pass and look inconspicuously toward The Wall and then curse to themselves and keep walking and I just thought to myself, "MUWAHAHA KEEP WALKIN' SUCKAS, THE WALL IS OCCUPIED!!!"

Then you self-check out, (another great invention that I think must have been created for the sole purpose of buying condoms, pregnancy tests and tampons.

Speaking of buying tampons this one time when Eckerd was still Eckerd I went in to buy a pack of pads (the only item I purchased) and the cashier (a guy) asked me if I wanted a bag. I thought to myself "gosh no I wouldn't want to burden you for a bag, please Please let me just sashay out with my huge pack of ‘overnights with wings’ under my arms." I don't care if you are the biggest tree-hugging, mother-earth loving hippie there is and the only bag you have is a giant plastic one, jumbo Christmas tree size that will inevitably rot on planet earth for 45 years KNOW THIS, if I'm buying condoms, pregnancy tests or feminine products I want a flippin’ bag.